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O R S O N W E L L E S

This one has a presence so commanding, so intense, you have to look at him. He’s like a total eclipse of the sun: You can stare at it, but (oh sh*t) . . . it’s reeeally There are some

bad for you. Meanwhile, he has to be sure that

days when I

think I’m going

you’re his future. He’s the Martha Stewart of

to die from an

love—so efficient, with a get-out-of-jail-free card overdose of

to boot. (Are you listening, Martha? Don’t you

satisfaction.

wish you knew that before?)

s a lva d o r

Yeah, it’s true. He’s got contacts up the wazoo.

da l í

And he’s not afraid to use them at precisely the right time. Precisely. Listen up, though. There has to be a ground-base reason for him to be with you. Security. Mutual interests. Shared taste . . . A trust fund in your name.

Oh, all right. Damn it. I didn’t mean to let the cat out of the bag. This one’s just a little obsessed with money—like in an OCD

way. Like checking his wallet every hour to make sure Lincoln 42

He’s Just Not in the Stars

hasn’t run off the five-dollar bills to go free the slaves or something. Look, truth is, it’s not all that bad—but he’s gotta believe that you have a decent, steady-paying job, or backup money from another source—at least. If not, this guy will freak. Once you label

He has to know that you’re in it for him, not for me you negate

what he can give you. And he’ll be able to read the me.

truth of that . . . well, he thinks he can read the truth s ø r e n

of it. He’s an analyzer, this one. Thinks too much. k i e r k e g a a r d

Bottom line: He doesn’t want the responsibility of obsessing over his financial tab and yours. That means, well, no staying home and raising the young ones. Leave ’em with the babysitter. She’ll do a fine job. Even if she only speaks Swahili. Or Urdu. And learned her child-rearing tactics from Bertha, the stalwart women’s criminal corAs a rock star, rection center warden.

I have two

Actually, when this guy’s relaxed with his money

instincts. I want

situation, though—which he is almost never—he’s

to have fun, and I

want to change

extremely devoted, loving, and childlike sweet.

the world. I have

That’s why he needs to keep on top of things. He

a chance to do

falls in love and it’s all over. He sees things (meaning: both.

you) through rose-colored glasses. But oh, what a b o n o

pretty, shiny pink diamond you make.

boyfriend potential rating: High if you feed him through his ego and don’t stress his wallet. Extra high if he stays with you,

’cause he’s not gonna unless he’s really, truly in love. A done deal if you’re a billionaire heiress. Anorexic. Or one of the Hilton sisters—both. And love him for him. But last tip: You can have this guy big-time if you really, truly know in your heart that money’s not part of it. Then this guy will latch on to you and be incredibly generous—like a celebrity in third-world-country crisis-time. Taurus, Ex or Next

4 3

One more thing: This guy’s charm can conI don’t listen to quer whole nations—think Saddam Hussein,

myself very

Tony Blair—or just the entire female population:

much.

George Clooney.

j o e c o c k e r

celebrity correspondents

with taurus sun, venus in aries

George Clooney (May 6, 1961) Is George scared of marriage?

Nahhh. It’s the Aries-baby Venus. He wants what he wants (Taurus is this way, too). He figures life doesn’t get any better. John Wilkes Booth (May 10, 1838)

Saddam Hussein (April 28, 1937)

Sigmund Freud (May 6, 1856) According to him, sex was the root of everything.

Jack Nicholson (April 22, 1937) Legendary womanizer. Zubin Mehta (April 29, 1936)

Isiah Thomas (April 30, 1961)

Tony Blair (May 6, 1953) Married since 1980. Orson Welles (May 6, 1915) Married three times, once to Rita Hayworth. Third marriage lasted.

Taj Mahal (May 17, 1942)

Dennis Rodman (May 13, 1961)

Jean-Paul Gaultier (April 24, 1952)

Ronald Reagan, Jr. (May 20, 1958)

Willie Mays (May 6, 1931)

George Carlin (May 12, 1937)

Taurus Sun, Venus in Taurus

There’s something you need to know about Taurus sun, Venus in Taurus: Besides Taurus, Venus in Aries, no other sign claims such 44

He’s Just Not in the Stars

an extensive collection of persuasive men. It doesn’t matter who they are—it’s just frightening.

Sometimes they’re morally PC, but most times,

My first

they don’t see beyond their own totalitarianlanguage was

dictatorship agendas. They want to control the

shy. It’s only by

masses with their political ideals, found in their having been

thrust into the

songs, their paintings, their work—whatever. Just limelight that I

look at the influence these guys have over their

have learned to

peers. That’s a good indicator. You must be the racope with my tional one. But beware of scary-guy factor.

shyness.

Deep down, this man can be controlling.

a l pac i n o

When he’s got the upper hand, though, you

wouldn’t even know it. He’s like a Ziploc in the fridge: cool and contained. But that’s not his true self. And you’ve got to put him off his guard to make him off his rocker. For you. Here’s the one thing you need to be careful of, though: Since he’s so averse to talking things out, he’s prone to sneaking around (with others, Mammy) so that he doesn’t have to confront any problems. He goes out and does bad things. Risky, he is. Just sayin’. It all comes down to character. Or lack of. This Taurus can be soulless. Definition: Without a soul. And this can Being number

be dangerous because he seems like such a fun,

two sucks.

down-to-earth, charming guy. Perilous.

a n d r e

Bottom line: There’s a tendency for this Taurus

ag a s s i

to go over the edge to Psychoville if he’s had a

rough past. He can be completely unethical. Completely. He’s like a volcano, ready to blow. And you don’t want to be there for it. ’Cause Mount Etna doesn’t erupt often—but it does erupt.

boyfriend potential rating: Low if you let him master you—as he so deftly does others. Mezzo-high if you can stand your ground. Taurus, Ex or Next

4 5

Unbelievably high if he knows you’re the only one he can trust—’cause he’s made so many enemies in the past, he needs at least one person he can rely on.

celebrity correspondents with taurus sun,

venus in taurus (check out the political scary guys)

Niccolò Machiavelli (May 3, 1469)

Adolf Hitler (April 20, 1889) Cusp, also sometimes considered Aries.

Karl Marx (May 5, 1818)

Oliver Cromwell (April 25, 1599)

Michael Moore (April 23, 1954)

Muhammad (April 3, 570)

Pope John Paul II (May 18, 1920)

Søren Kierkegaard (May 5, 1813)

Salvador Dalí (May 11, 1904)

Busta Rhymes (May 20, 1972)

Bono (May 10, 1960)

David Boreanaz (May 16, 1969)

Joe Cocker (May 20, 1944)

Billy Joel (May 9, 1949)

George Lucas (May 14, 1944)

Taurus Sun, Venus in Gemini

This guy’s heart is in the right place. He’s a good guy, and the most fun of all Tauruses, with a quick wit. Self-mocking. To others, he seems exceedingly sociable. He can start up a conversation and keep it going (even if the other perI always respect son isn’t talking—talented, really). But what makes a woman.

him happiest? An audience of one. He just wants

e n r i q u e

to be in love—poor thing—and has a tough time

i g l e s i a s

making up his mind, committing.

46

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Remember that board game Risk? Yeah, that’s NOT what he’s into. Here’s the big bummer: It’s a precarious situI prefer love ation. He wants to know that when it’s Game

over sex.

Over, aka marriage, you’re going to be his Rock of e n r i q u e

Gibraltar. Faithful. Loyal. Ideal.

i g l e s i a s

But wait—getting there must be a rocky climb

or he’ll discount you like a Chinese knockoff of an Italian designer label.

Again, he’s clueless as to what he wants, exactly. So you have to show him.

For now, just keep in mind that all it takes is a little cruelty to get the ball rolling; that is, a boyfriend he can steal you from. A big, hairy challenge.

Jerry Seinfeld is the perfect example of Taurus, Venus in Gemini. Jerry, in real life, met a woman at the gym two weeks after she was already married. Wanted her. Courted her. (I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.) When she finally left her husband and got together with him, rumors swirled that she wasn’t My inspirations

the first married lady Jerry had gone after. But at are the woman,

least she wasn’t sixteen, like Shoshanna. He MARfriendship, and RIED her. End of story.

loneliness.

Just make sure he knows that you’re a possibile n r i q u e ity. Sorta. That you may be interested. Difficult, i g l e s i a s

nearly impossible, but doable. “Fate.” Russian

roulette with four bullets instead of one. Play your ace. Then show him the deuce. Luxuriate here. Obviously, when he gets you, it’s necessary: Pull away. Game, but Jeopardy-justified. He’s a romantic—but confused. He has to win you. And he’s got to work for it.

boyfriend potential rating: High if he’s extremely solvent and you still agree to sign the pre-nup. (It’s really not about money, it’s Taurus, Ex or Next

4 7

all about “trust”; (that is, his lack of it.) Also very high if you’re Judge Judy and can give it to him straight.

Cinched if you play him as big and dramatic as

A man should

Angelina Jolie’s lips rock the free world. And also control his life.

Mine is

as promising. Low if these analogies are registercontrolling me. ing just about as much as scandals dealing with

r u d o l p h

the British Royal Family being offered coffee at

va l e n t i n o

high tea.

celebrity correspondents

with taurus sun, venus in gemini

Al Pacino (April 25, 1940)

William Shakespeare (April 26, 1564)

Andre Agassi (April 29, 1970) Want an example of a great couple? Here ’tis. Andre is Taurus, Venus in Gemini. Steffi Graf is Gemini, Venus in Taurus. When your Venus matches his love sign and vice versa, it’s a SOULMATE connection.

Luther Vandross (April 20, 1951)

Bing Crosby (May 3, 1903)

Oskar Schindler (April 28, 1908)

Malcolm X (May 19, 1925)

David Beckham (May 2, 1975) Married to Victoria Beckham, ex-Posh Spice.

Enrique Iglesias (May 8, 1975)

Charlie O’Connell, aka the Bachelor, 2005 (April 21, 1975) Jason Biggs (May 12, 1978)

Hank Azaria (April 25, 1964)

Tony Danza (April 21, 1951)

Jerry Seinfeld (April 29, 1954)

Rudolph Valentino (May 6, 1895)

Emilio Estevez (May 12, 1962)

48

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Taurus Sun, Venus in Cancer

He wants a stable home life, yet his business ambitions keep him away a lot. Use this. Work it. Make him feel guilty. But threaten to have a life of your own. He’ll be Silly Putty in your hands—

without the newspaper imprint stuck to it.

He wants to possess you.

You can have

One thing you should be careful of, though: it

either the

seems like this guy cares more about what his

Resurrection

“public” thinks of him than about what you think. or you can have

Liberace. But

Not true. He simply expects you to be his groundyou can’t have ing force, his spiritual guru, his unfailing supboth. porter. That’s your duty. To him, it’s your job.

l i b e r ac e

More High Expectations: Eventually, he’ll

have you cook all his favorite meals, host his social gatherings with the higher-ups, be his siren—without being too sexy (so as to be mistaken for anything but a good girl). And never EVER contradict him in public. It’s all about treading a fine line between exciting and stable. Sexy and saintly. Domestic and haggardly. This Taurus is a pretty confused puppy. If he

This is a busy

gets it into his head that he wants something, he’ll time for

cling to it desperately. It’s pretty pathetic, y’know, President

having to pump, pump up his ego like that air

Clinton. Not

only does he

mattress from the infomercial you watched at four have that thing

in the morning in an insomniacal haze. As with the in Kosovo, it’s

mattress, you keep putting in the juice, it just

also prom

keeps leaking out.

season.

But I guess that can be okay, too. See, he

j ay l e n o

needs you. And if you play the stable force in his life and get him, he’ll cling to you like that nerdy girl in ninthgrade algebra. Not a bad deal, either, because you won’t have to Taurus, Ex or Next

4 9

do everything he asks, like, um, make sure your locker is next to his.

He’ll still come after you like Freddie or Jason. Sequels 1–45.

boyfriend potential rating Very low if you don’t revel in his flair for the stylish and utterly Today is

“moral.” And aren’t just a little into he-worship Valentine’s

Day—or, as

and joined-at-the-hip kinda love. Extra high, pemen like to call riod. Many of these guys are in it for the long haul it, Extortion Day.

(especially if you’ve read the above and have inj ay l e n o gested it like a gluttonous dog hoovers the

ground at a 10th Street food fair).

celebrity correspondents with

taurus sun, venus in cancer

Harry S.Truman (May 8, 1884) The only U.S. president to use the atomic bomb (Hiroshima). Married his childhood sweetheart and remained with her till his death. Jimmy Stewart (May 20, 1908) Married for forty-five years to the same woman, until her death.

Socrates (May 14, 466 B.C.)

Christian Lacroix (May 17, 1951)

Sugar Ray Leonard (May 17, 1956)

Ricky Nelson (May 8, 1940)

Steve Winwood (May 12, 1948) On second marriage since 1987. Liberace (May 16, 1919)

Valentino Garavani (May 11, 1932)

Bronson Pinchot (May 20, 1959)

Ayatollah Khomeini (May 17, 1900)

50

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Taurus Sun, Venus in Pisces

He’s an analyzer, this one. He’ll test you like a new mommy, for the first time, with that freshly warmed baby bottle. He’s critical. Philosophical. Quixotic. Impractical—yet with a good business sense. Creative, but has it in his mind that he’s gonna make dollars from it if it kills him. Indulge him.

Problem is, he’ll only stick to what he’s good

Today, one year

at. (P.S., though, he won’t be successful at it until after their

he’s told a million times that he’s amazing.)

divorce, Pamela

Speaking of bottles and infants, you may disand Tommy Lee announced

cover that this Taurus guy is only one step above they’re getting

the other baby: Aries, Venus in Aries. He’s not as back together.

fickle, not as much of a closeted metrosexual, but You know what

he’s definitely as ridiculously immature. Oh, but that means?

There’s still

he hides it well. Just wait. It’s coming.

hope for Ike and

See, the problem just rears its ugly head difTina Turner. ferently. Fact is, at least Aries/Aries knows what j ay l e n o

he wants. And makes no secret of it. (Even if he

changes what that is every five minutes.) You

might notice it right away. Unfortunately, with this Taurus, it’s not blatant.

Bottom line, here: He needs to know that you fit into his plan. Concurrent with his emotional needs. He’s conOne thing my vinced that no one does it better than he does.

wife says is bad

Like 007. Bond. Shaken, not stirred. And he’ll rate about me, is

you based on his assessment of how you handle

that I still care

too much.

things—everything from nights out at the theater

and sports events to, ah, his joystick.

a a ro n

s p e l l i n g

Just make sure that you don’t let him know

you’re dying for him. He’s gotta know he’s

snagged crème de la crème. Top hat. “It.”

Things have to be slow and steady for this guy: like grandma’s Taurus, Ex or Next

5 1

stew. He needs time to decide. Push—and it’s over. Think of him like chocolate soufflé: take it out of the oven too soon and it falls into a big, gooey mess.

boyfriend potential rating: High if you realize that his dream is to be Brawny, the macho quicker picker-upper. He wants to be the dominant one. (Tough, this, because he’s so

unsure of his prowess out of the client’s den.

I have lived in

Work stuff.) Low if you’re too aggressive with

a flurry of

images, but I

him. Quiet simmer: passion, tempered with rewill go out in a straint. For example, if you don’t give him control freeze-frame.

in the bedroom, you’ll leave him as cold as

a n t h o n y

Madame Tussaud’s finest. (Dibs on him, by the

q u i n n

way, if you can’t hack it.)

Kidding.

celebrity correspondents

with taurus sun, venus in pisces

Jay Leno (April 28, 1950) Married to the same woman—women’s rights activist Mavis—for decades. They have no children. Aaron Spelling (April 22, 1923) Was married to Carolyn Jones (Morticia Addams) before he married Candy and had Tori. Keith Haring (May 4, 1958)

James Brown (May 3, 1933) Allegedly beat wife. Peter Frampton (April 22, 1950)

Iggy Pop (April 21, 1947)

Frankie Valli (May 3, 1934)

Lee Majors (April 23, 1939) Married to Farrah Fawcett before he married a Playboy Playmate. Here’s gossip for you: He was so jealous and protective of Farrah that once, when he went out of town, he asked his best friend to watch her. Know who that best friend was? Ryan O’Neal (also a Taurus. She’s an Aquarius). 52

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Ryan and Farrah had an affair and stayed together for seventeen years. They never married.

Ulysses S. Grant (April 27, 1822)

Anthony Quinn (April 21, 1915) Quinn conceived all of his children while married to other women. First two children were with an Italian costume designer, so he divorced his wife and married her. They were together for thirty-one years—until he fathered another with his secretary, Kathy Benvin. Oh. Then he married her.

TA U R U S D I C * - T I O N A RY

Composed <com-pozed> Together. Grounded. Socks matching. Shirt not turned inside out.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Inside, his mind is as tortured as a performance artist’s canvas. Proud <prowd> Um. Narcissist.

Translation for potential girlfriend: His vanity can be like the worst cheap cologne: It costs him almost nothing, but you smell it before he even enters a room. Sensual <sen-shoo-all> He can be great in bed. Translation for potential girlfriend: But it all comes back to ego. Sadly, his masculinity is tied into it. Just make sure you have an orgasm every time, or he’ll go out and find someone who fakes it better than you do. Traditional <Trah-dish-ah-nahl> This one’s got a good-girl complex. He’s ridiculously old-fashioned. Don’t be surprised if you find him sitting out on the porch with your folks, talking about “kids these days.”

Translation for potential girlfriend: The three-date sex rule does not apply here. Wait ten. Or twenty. Or a hundred. Wait a year. Go to bed with Taurus, Ex or Next

5 3

him in your next life. This guy, when he’s in love, will wait for a nun. If you sleep with him too fast, though, he’ll run like a turkey the day before Thanksgiving.

Curious <Kyour-ee-us> He’ll ask you questions about your past and pretend everything you say is fine, even though it’s not. Translation for potential girlfriend: Be careful. In actuality, he’s just handing you the noose and letting you hang yourself with it. Financially secure <fy-nan-shuh-lee see-cure> So obsessed with money that he’s been counting coins instead of sheep since he was a toddler.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Tell him you’re even a little in debt and he’ll make off like a new bride’s dress after the wedding.

c h a p t e r 3

Gemini, Ex or Next

(the Twins, May 21–June 20)

Gemini Rude-iments

Da-da-da dah dah dah dah! (I’m singing. Plug your ears if you like.)

े PRESENTING...The Dating Game.

Bachelor number one hails from Dysfunctional, North Dakota. He’s kind, generous, curious, clever, and funny. Yet he’s also paranoid, neurotic, and hides his insecurities You know that

under his Members Only jacket. (Y’know the

look women

one. It’s got a fake Armani label sewn into it.)

get when they

Bachelor number two is from Codependent,

want sex? Me

neither.

Utah. He claims his worst fear is being lonely. Yet he goes through periods when he’s a workaholic,

d r e w c a r e y

then comes out of his shell and socializes like a man on fire. (He also tells our female producers that his bed is about to collapse from all the notches on it. Nice move.) Bachelor number three is from Megalomania, Massachusetts. He cares deeply about others . . . until he gets so wrapped up in Gemini, Ex or Next

5 5

himself that—wait. He’s backstage and can’t tear himself away from the full-length three-way mirrors.

Right. Fooled you. Bachelors number one,

two, and three are all Gemini guy. He’s a big mishDo not fear mash of many products (of his creation). He

mistakes.There

are none.

wears all kinds of chapeaus. He’s dashing, sympathetic, witty. Sometimes dangerous to damsels in m i l e s dav i s

distress . . .

He saves women by tossing his coat over a puddle. Then tramples them as he runs headlong toward the nearest reflective surface. Accidentally pushing them into the mud in the process. Looky here. Gemini man never means to hurt anybody, and can be incredibly devoted to helping the world and spurring on political change. But unless your plight is directly tied into his current love direction, he can be as faithful and as caring as Hugh Grant in a parked car.

Sorry, pumpkin.

Well, the good-guy-with-a-bad-boy-edge thing

Men are what

works for him. He apologizes and moves on. Cartheir mothers

made them.

ries the charming-cad card. We can’t help but forgive ’im. r a l p h

wa l d o

Actually, Gemini guy likes to think he’s a rock

e m e r s o n

star. He imagines it. Pretends he’s one. Big, bad, and famous, requesting fifty gallons of Evian in his dressing room so that he can shower with it. And twenty-nine bendy straws to drink it with—twenty-nine, mind you. Not twenty-eight. Pay attention. Although . . . then he knows (as all famous rock stars do—

because they’re almost too famous), he’ll just whip out those dark hipster sunglasses, tell the paparazzi “No pictures, no pictures, 56

He’s Just Not in the Stars

PUH-LEEASE!” and become a recluse, appearing in public only when his publicist makes him—or when he hears thunderous applause he just can’t resist—like the kind necessary There was just

for Tinker Bell not to die. “I believe in fairies! I something

believe in fairies! (And you’re the neatest and the about me she

bestest!)

did not like.

Right. Gemini guy is . . . you guessed it: Peter a n dy

Pan. Green getup and all (it’s under his clothes). g r i f f i t h

It’s absolutely true. Besides the fact that we suspect he has his personal plastic surgeon on call, locked away in his basement (he always looks about ten years younger than the rest of us), he is a child. And despite your best intentions, he ain’t never, ever gonna leave Neverland and grow up. At least not willingly. Waah.

Double-edged sword, though: children are cute. Especially when you can hand them back to mommy when they’re bad. (Unfortunately, you can’t. She wants him off and married. Tough titties.) He’s also rash, irrational, hasty, fidgety, wants what he can’t have, impatient, indulgent . . . Go on? But, like every adorable tot, he gets away with it most of the time—and gets his I love my

way almost all of the time. If he doesn’t, and if he’s mother, man.

not especially mature, brace yourself for a fistAre you crazy? I waving, macaroni-throwing temper tantrum worcan’t be a bad influence on

thy of the rottenest three-year-old.

anybody!

Memo to potential mate: He’s also incredibly

m a r k

persuasive, enchanting with arresting allure, a

wa h l b e rg

natural-born comedian, inquisitive, interesting, a wild card, bright, innovative . . . and the list goes on. Yet he wreaks havoc on poor, unsuspecting young maidens who don’t wish to have their hearts crushed like a can of beer at halftime.

Gemini, Ex or Next

5 7

Seesaw action. (I hope you’re weighing it out now. Up. Down. Want him. Don’t.)

You’ve heard that Gemini, sign of the twins,

has two sides? Not true. He has at least 147—at

I never lie. I

last count. He’s closed and private, yet extrobelieve

everything I say,

verted and Grimm-like storyteller fascinating. He so it’s not a lie.

embellishes and exaggerates—yet may never truly

m a r k

let you in on what he’s really thinking. May not

wa h l b e rg

know it himself. He says one thing, means another. Changes his mind every four seconds. Ten, on a good day. He demands loyalty and fidelity—yet has trouble putting his money where his mouth is. Like Peter Pan, he’d like to live forever and make his mark. But he starts things all the time and never finishes them. Gemini guy will be only as mature as he’s forced (himself) to be. If he’s got a high-ranking job, he’ll be responsible. And if he loves what he does, he’ll excel like no other. However, if he’s just been fired from his job, he’ll sit Men are liars.

around moaning in his jockey shorts, watching

We’ll lie about

lying if we have

Oprah reruns and Christie Brinkley infomercials

to. I’m an

(Hey, she’s still hot! he’ll cry).

algebra liar. I

If he’s done some introspection and quotes

figure two good

Dr. Phil off the cuff, you may just have it made. lies make a

positive.

Plus, if he admits to his feelings, and actually ext i m a l l e n presses them out loud, well—that’d be good.

(Gemini guy only believes he’s in love when he

hears it from his own mouth.) But be warned. They never told you, when you were a kid, what actually happened to Peter Pan. He came back to the present to live out his life. One day he got old, his fantasies of Neverneverland were trampled, dreams were shot. He discovered he was a mere mortal.

And he didn’t like it one bit.

58

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Gemini Tongue Lashing

Let’s play a game (Gemini’s favorite sport, besides tongue lashing). Make Gemini guy a puppet. You be the ventriloquist. He’s, ah, the dummy.

Sit him on your lap and crank up the soundtrack to the Broadway hit show Chicago. Song: “Razzle Dazzle.” (The gist of the ditty is: give ’em a good show and they’ll never catch on to the truth. That’s Gemini’s M.O.)

Women are

Get the picture? Good.

like cars:We all

Back to it. Gemini guy will pull your pigtails to want a Ferrari.

show you he likes you. He’s the original “I’m not jealSometimes want a pickup

ous” (when he is) and “I’m not interested” (when he truck . . . and

is). Though he’s as spontaneous and impetuous as a end up with a

sloshed college freshman girl at a fraternity party, he’s station wagon.

also capable of rationalizing you away if he doesn’t t i m a l l e n

think you’ll fit into his Playboy Bunny agenda-book. And once he’s got you, all bets may be off.

“I know you want me,” Gemini coos. (But he secretly wonders whether you truly do.) The way to hang on to a Gemini is to keep him hungry and off balance—more than he keeps

Women now

you, ditto. Be a Slinky. The toy. He grabs you and have choices.

They can be your coils drop down and bounce. Slip and slide married, not

and spring and walk downstairs and make a clinmarried, have a kety sound. A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing. job, not have a

job, be married

Be the bomb, then throw a few grenades, too.

with children,

Gemini man loves the chase maybe even more

unmarried with

than he loves the actual getting. It all comes back children. Men

to ego. He’s so sensitive and defensive. That’s why have the same

choice we’ve

he freaks when you don’t want him. But give him

always had:

this: When he’s truly jumped over the edge, he’s

work, or prison.

romantic, loving, and even faithful. Most of the

t i m a l l e n

time.

Gemini, Ex or Next

5 9

Just remember that most of the time is not all of the time—and that this “magnetic,” “sexual,” “generous,” “charming” “stud”

was a child once—and might just still be.

Gemini: Is He INTO You?

Can you say ladies’ man, kids? Lay-diss man. Gooood. He’s incredibly insecure, deep down where he stuffs a sock in his pants. Gemini guy will go to great lengths to not

show you his cushy side. He’s developed that

You might

hard, crusty pink-eye shell that takes the form of say I’m a

philosophic

joke-telling and self-mocking so that you never

nut, or a nutty

suspect that, when he’s in love, he’s as unsure as a philosopher. It

scrawny prepubescent with a fourteen-pound

doesn’t matter.

bowling ball (his aim is good, but it’s a little too Words don’t

mean anything.

much for him to handle).

If you dig into

So do yourself a favor: praise him and his

anybody’s

great moves. Well, yeah—he is good, so it

character, you

can find

shouldn’t be hard. (Get your mind out of the guteccentricities ter.) Then just walk away and let him follow.

you can

Trouble is, with all that air and superficiality, he characterize as

gives capriciousness a new name. Namely: <insert nutty.

his name here>. Just keep it light. That’s what he’s j ac k

k e vo r k i a n

looking for. He has to be the one to get serious

first. Oh—but don’t trust everything he says.

Keep your options open. Consider his actions, not his words. Gemini talks a good game but fails to play by the rules (and changes them all the time to fit his needs).

Keep him at arm’s length. Make him work for it. Again, tell him how wonderful he is, then hang a “Gone Fishing” sign on your door, even though he knows you detest the smell of earthworms and live bait.

60

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Puzzle him. Draw him in. Then push him away. Ask him lots o’

questions. He loves to hear himself expound and wax poetic. Also, watch him like a hawk—but don’t let

I’m always open

him know you’re doing it. Out of all the signs,

for people

Gemini is the most likely to run if he thinks you’re saying I’m wrong

trying to box him in. In fact, you’ll have to be able because most of

the time I am.

to take him or leave him when it gets down to it. If he thinks you’re bluffing, you’ll lose your bargainp r i n c e w i l l i a m

ing chip. And he’ll win the pot.

This guy will stay and be faithful to you as long as he believes you’re the Bonnie to his Clyde, the yin to his yang, the Siegfried to his Roy. If not, you’re just a bump on his long and winding road.

Advice to the Future Mrs. Gemini

I know a woman. I’ll call her Jules. Jules was dating Mr. Gemini. He was actually a rare breed of Gemini—a little reserved. Modest. A bit of a workaholic. His spatial relations were off I just think the

(meaning he needed space, almost all of the time). funny response

Granted, he was bright, mentally agile, hysterically would be that

funny but with a somber edge. He wasn’t a showI think there needs to be a

off like many Geminis, and his sense of humor was Bride of Freddy.

ironic, not in-your-face. But he was indecisive in I think Freddy

love: the typical Gemini virus strain.

needs a woman

So, Jules was getting tired of seeing him only

in his life.

twice a week. He had control of the relationship. ro b e r t

But she also knew that he was completely in love

e n g lu n d

with her (with Geminis, you just know it—they

can’t fake it for long). So, she got smart. After two years of winging it, she conceived a plan. And carried it out with the cold precision of General Patton. No hesitation.

Gemini, Ex or Next

6 1

She left him. Told him she loved him but that she had someone else waiting in the wings (true) who loved her and wanted to get married. Gemini man said okay (they always do,

out of pride) and let her go.

In the end, the

She was clever. Kept in touch. But she never

love you take is

equal to the

let on to Gemini guy that she missed him or regretlove you make. ted leaving him. Eventually, Gemini guy brought

pau l

in a close friend to intervene. Since he felt he

m c c a r t n e y

couldn’t really put his heart on the line alone (r-ii-i-ght), he set up a meeting with Jules and the friend, and they negotiated the terms of the relationship, all three, as if it were a house deed. It worked.

Bottom line: If he’s older, in his late thirties or forties, he’s probably already set in his independent ways. This will take the form of a spoiled child who wants to eat ten candy apples, then go ride the negative G-force gargantuan upsidedown roller coaster. (You know it’s gonna make Am I a

him throw up, but you have to let him do it anyromantic? I’ve

seen Wuthering

way.)

Heights ten

Under the bottom line: Gemini guy will never

times. I’m a

move to the next step unless he’s forced to—and

romantic.

believes you’ll actually leave him when you

j o h n n y d e p p

threaten to. If he doesn’t respond, just do it. He’ll also stay in a relationship that’s over far too long if the sex is good. Save yourself; get a life raft, row to shore. He may just follow—and if he doesn’t, at least you’re safe on dry land.

Advice to the Ex Ms. Gemini

Gemini guy has got to be the one to get you back. If you call him, chase him, or go after him, he’ll think I’m too sexy for Milan. Too sexy for Milan. New York. And Japan.

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

Here’s the baby lotion rub: Gemini guy does realize he’s made a mistake after he’s broken it off with you. But you have to be a disappearing act. Houdini. If he hears from friends that you’re dating someone else, so much the better. Don’t worry. If he cares (and if he Your intellect

doesn’t, to hell with him—he’s worth nil), he’ll

may be

call. He’ll find you. But let him make the move. In confused, but

fact . . . don’t pick up the phone the first few times your emotions

will never lie to

he calls. If he’s a little desperate, he’ll confess his you.

undying love when he finally gets you on the horn. ro g e r e b e r t

That’s worth the pain and suffering of singing

“Lah, lah, lah, not listening” to drown out his

pleas on your answering machine.

Expensive French Manicure Tip: Please, please don’t show him that you’ve been waiting by the phone like a computer geek for that new, ultra-techy groove software you just ordered. He’ll change his mind that he wants you faster than a playah changes his sheets.

Here’s the catch. Gemini guy has trouble focusing on the task at hand. There’s a one-month limit to his love when you break up. Two months, tops. After that, he’s probably not

I love knowing

coming after you. In fact, you may not hear from

that I’m not

him or see him again—until someone has crushed

better than any

his heart three years later and he comes around

other person on

the planet.

looking for an ego boost.

Truth is, Gemini can only see as far as his own

t h o m a s

h ay d e n

situation. If you’re wrapped up in that, and he bec h u rc h lieves your destiny intertwines with his, he’ll do anything to have you. If not, you’re just a shot of tequila: He’ll take it, make a face, suck the lime, and smile at the hot bartending actress-model-singer-songwriter as he moseys on Gemini, Ex or Next

6 3

out through the swinging doors (that hit you right in the face as you follow behind him).

Truly, if there’s any sign in the zodiac who

I can do

can move on and never turn back, it’s Gemini.

anything. In

GQ, I appeared

He has no problem turning the Love Boat

as a man.

around faster than Captain Steubing on speed.

b oy g e o rg e

And he’s not looking behind, he’s looking in

front of him . . . for another pretty, new port to explore.

Sun/Venus Combinations:

The True Love Potential Test

Gemini Sun, Venus in Aries

Humble, modest, a true innovative thinker—with a genius-like mind. Most likely a guy’s guy, but despises that reference because he actually is sensitive to women’s needs. Could be a professional if they offered money for it.

Yet he doesn’t want to be categorized. He

Family is not an

wants to leave an imprint on the world: subtly.

important

thing, it’s

You wouldn’t expect it. He uses calm force—has

everything.

people (or heads of state) convince you for him.

m i c h a e l j .

He also has a dead-on sense of what gets to

f ox

you, with humor, tact (odd, for Gemini), and a

genuine curiosity about what makes you tick. He’ll rephrase questions several hundred times to get the answer he’s looking for. Then he’ll utilize it in spades. (If your intuition is a little keen, you’ll begin to feel the push-pull power play.)

What makes no sense is that this Gemini has Venus in fire: Aries. You’d expect him to be a ball-buster. Instead, his humility 64

He’s Just Not in the Stars

surprises you. He doesn’t claim to be anything he’s not. At first glance.

He’s crafty. (He gets around. Yeah, Beastie Boys—what’s it to ya?) This guy is principled, in a weird way. Has morals, structured to his cause even if they’re wrong by any I am careful

other standards. Weighs his actions—sometimes

not to confuse

too much. He might even back away from you

excellence with

to save you the grief. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. He

perfection.

Excellence, I can

knows how powerful he is—even if you don’t get

reach for;

it . . . yet.

perfection is

He believes in “the truth.” But twists it around

God’s business.

like a debutante’s thong in the backseat of her

m i c h a e l j .

boyfriend’s car.

f ox

Real patience, for him, is actually another word

for indecision. It’s not truly patience. Potato.

Potahto. Or Dan Quayle’s spelling. Whatever. He can call it anything he wants—make it like a spiritual “let’s wait and see, kitten”

Dalai Lama tact, but it all boils down to an excuse. I’m going to

He wants his space to think as he pleases, do as he marry a Jewish

pleases, when he pleases.

woman because

Again, ironically, he’s a romantic. But when he

I like the idea of

getting up

wants to be. On his terms. He also has a strange reSunday morning lationship with money. He likes material things,

and going to the

but hates to admit it. Wants the best, but detests deli.

flaunting it. He’s cool and copasetic—but has fire m i c h a e l j .

simmering below the surface. So intense—like a

f ox

tsunami: you don’t see it from a distance, or even when it’s close, but it hits you with full force when it’s already upon you.

boyfriend potential rating: High if he’s analyzed himself—

and marries ten years later than he thinks he should. His early for-Gemini, Ex or Next 6 5

ties can work. Low if he suits up too early—he’ll lose by pure bad fencing tactics. He’ll let his opponent strike him down, then scream do-over. (He’ll claim he wasn’t ready.)

celebrity correspondents

with gemini sun, venus in aries

Pat Boone (June 1, 1934)

Miles Davis (May 25, 1926) Married three times. Muammar Al-Qaddafi (June 1, 1942)

Ralph Waldo Emerson (May 25, 1803)

Andy Griffith (June 1, 1926) Married three times; twenty-three years, first one; second one, eight years; third, since 1983. Drew Carey (May 23, 1958) Never married. A word about Drew. Venus in Aries is always a little wary of commitment (example, George Clooney—Taurus, Venus in Aries). But when they have bad things happen to them in childhood, this flat-out doubles. Drew made several suicide attempts and suffered bouts of depression . . .

Gemini Sun, Venus in Taurus

If this guy can attain his good-guy status the nice-guy way, he’ll do it. If not, he’s as risky as a ten-year-old condom. Actually, he’s not afraid to go to the ultra-weird dark side route . . . if he can’t get attention by any other means. He MUST be large—and incredibly reI am being frank spected by his peers (oh, and by you). Even if it’s about myself in

this book. I tell

for his antisocial or nonconformist ways. Yeah, it of my first

can go that way, too.

mistake on page

To you—in love—he can be as hazardous as

850.

smoking: you might like it, be addicted to it even, h e n ry a .

but it’ll kill you in the long run if you do it too k i s s i n g e r

much.

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

When popularity comes easily to him, he can be saint-like. Sweet. But when he’s not heard . . . he can be as creepy as a dustinfested attic. Be forewarned. He’ll air your dirty laundry to

If I had to live

friends, and justify himself because the “right” demy life over

tergent wasn’t used. i.e., you messed up. (Shoulda again, I would

used Wisk.) It’s your fault, never his. Sob. (Now, have a different

father, a

where’s my mistress?? He’d like to know.)

different wife,

Look, if this guy learns how to be out-there

and a different

interesting (or, um, strange) to others, he may

religion.

just be capable of being really good to you. Esj o h n f. pecially when he’s older and can’t get anyone

k e n n e dy

else.

Take that back. On the upside, he also has a true, amorous heart, and will want love and idealistic, supersonic devotion. If he doesn’t go Batman-psycho, and vow to avenge all who have wronged him, he could just . . . ah, be a good potential Robin dependable-guy future for you.

As long as his “public” is satisfied, you may just have a chance.

boyfriend potential rating: This all depends on him. High if he’s made it in life, and has truly figured out what he wants. And that’s you. Low if he’s been scarred by parents

Chaos is a

who didn’t give him the time of day—and has unfriend of mine.

locked the safe where he keeps his Barbie doll

b o b dy l a n

(i.e., his ideal woman—he can take her out to play when he wants, put her back: she never complains). P.S. He hates gossip, but likes being well known (revered) . . . Under the radar. When he’s pursued, he huffs, indignantly, like a just-got-her-nose-done newly-turned-hot cheerleader. How dare they snap my profile? (That’s not my good side.)

Gemini, Ex or Next

6 7

celebrity correspondents

with gemini sun, venus in taurus

Robert Englund, a.k.a. Freddy Krueger (June 6, 1947) Paul McCartney (June 18, 1942)

Johnny Depp (June 9, 1963) Kate Moss and Vanessa Paradis are both Capricorns.

Prince (June 7, 1958)

Rudolph Giuliani (May 28, 1944) Married three times; nasty divorce.

John Hinckley, Jr., a.k.a. attempted assassin of ex-President Reagan (May 29, 1955)

Roger Ebert (June 18, 1942)

John D. Rockefeller IV (June 18, 1937)

Kurt Browning (June 18, 1966)

Mark Wahlberg (June 5, 1971)

Jeffrey Dahmer (May 21, 1960) Serial killer and cannibal. Jason Patric (June 17, 1966)

Tim Allen (June 13, 1953) Was married nineteen years. Divorced. Jack Kevorkian (May 26, 1928) Nickname, “Dr. Death.”

Mister T. (May 21, 1952) Married and divorced once. Mike Myers (May 25, 1963)

John Wayne (May 26, 1907) Married three times; seven children. Frank Lloyd Wright (June 8, 1867)

Griffin Dunne (June 8, 1955)

Louis Gossett, Jr. (May 27, 1936)

Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (May 23, 1883)

Jackie Mason (June 9, 1931)

Cy Coleman (June 14, 1929)

Noah Wyle (June 4, 1971)

Thomas Haden Church (June 17, 1961)

John Edwards (June 10, 1953)

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

Al Unser (May 29, 1939)

Michael J. Fox (June 9, 1961) Happily married since 1988 to Tracy Pollan (TV girlfriend from Family Ties); four children. Boy George (June 14, 1961)

Henry Kissinger (May 27, 1923)

Cole Porter (June 9, 1891) Suffered many tragedies; married to the same woman for thirty-five years.

Gemini Sun, Venus in Gemini

This guy sooo gets away with being a playboy. And it’s not fair.

’Cause he’s so good at doing it, that it’s annoying when he’s handsome . . . And more annoying when he’s not. Deep down, it pisses you off. You think—why bother with the okay-looking guy?

Every other girl is on the same page. And the ugly guy is just as BYOB: Bring Your Own Bastard. So if you’ve

All of the

picked this guy, he might as well be a hottie. The women on The

ugly one’s equally as Bad, Michael Jackson–like.

Apprentice

Yeah. Scary.

flirted with

me—

It’s the nerd clause. This guy can be so likeconsciously or able, that when he gets to the age (thirties, forties, unconsciously.

and so on) when girls are ready (a.k.a., ah: desperThat’s to be ate) to get hitched, he can get any damn Tori, Dana, expected.

or Harriet he wants.

d o n a l d

That’s it. This guy has “it.” He may be tactless

t r u m p

with you, and have difficulty looking inward to

see his own faults, yet he appears so altruistic and for-real when he’s smitten that it’s nearly impossible to resist his Elvis pelvisroll/lip-curl. Adaptable—he fits into any circumstance, with anyone. He can make friends with a bum on the street, then rub shoulders with the Secretary of Defense. (Maybe that’s where he picked up all his paranoid relationship-war tactics.)

Gemini, Ex or Next

6 9

It’s hard not to respect him. But you become a sucker when he disparages himself . . .’cause he’s waiting for you to say, “No, no. You’re perfect.” (It’s so annoying. Money was

Like wall-to-wall traffic and the guy behind you

never a big

motivation for

who’s got his hand glued to the horn when you’ve

me, except as a

nowhere to go.)

way to keep

He’ll stay with you only when you don’t agree

score.The real

that he’s a loser when he looks for ego-elevating. excitement is

playing the

The best way to deal with this is to mock him.

game.

“Yes, you do make me want to regurgitate my

d o n a l d

breakfast. But I’m like a kid in a candy store. I t r u m p

keep coming back for more even with my tummy

ache.” Now give him a big, toothy, silly-like grin. He’ll believe you’re kidding even if you’re half not.

Private, quiet, lively, sociable, temperamental, naïve—yet worldly. Sensuous. Removed, where love is concerned (if it comes too easily). Attractive to all, though, all the same. Damn.

He can reel you in with his presence, the only

Sex is as

bait.

important as

eating or

A tough cookie. A rampant livewire. A selfdrinking and we centered, yet self-sacrificing enigma. He’s most

ought to allow

likely had a difficult childhood, but chalks it all the one appetite

up to hard luck. He’s big on causes, but causes

to be satisfied

with as little

sadness to you. (Don’t let him.)

restraint or false

When he settles down, it can be for good. If

modesty as the

he doesn’t get wriggly in his chair like a secondother. grader the last day of school, he may just be okay. m a rq u i s d e

Dangle a lollipop in front of his face. Licking

s a d e

has magical powers and he can be controlled with

it. (Wink.)

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

boyfriend potential rating: High if he gets to his social position slowly and with hard work—not just on his dazzling smile and family connections. Higher if he gets the excessive need for chickadees out of his system. These guys can be womanizers till they settle down (yeah, we’re talking to you, Colin Farrell). Extremely low if he can’t get over his I-Am-God complex.

celebrity correspondents with

gemini sun, venus in gemini

John Fitzgerald Kennedy, a.k.a. J.F.K. (May 29, 1917) Known for cheating on Jackie, but stayed married to her.

Bob Dylan (May 24, 1941)

Colin Farrell (May 31, 1976) All over the map, bud. Johnny Nash (June 13, 1928)

Liam Neeson (June 7, 1952) Used to be well-known ladies’ man before marrying Natasha Richardson.

John Goodman (June 20, 1952) Married since 1989. Paul Gauguin (June 7, 1848)

Tom Berenger (May 31, 1949) Married three times; last one, since 1998.

Dean Martin (June 7, 1917)

Greg Kinnear (June 17, 1963) Married since 1999; one child. Scott Wolf (June 4, 1968)

Marvin Hamlisch (June 2, 1944) Married since 1989. Ralph Bellamy (June 17, 1904)

Gemini Sun, Venus in Cancer

“. . . Because I am a bad girl, people always automatically think that I am a bad girl. Or that I carry a dark secret with me or that I’m obsessed with death. The truth is that I am probably the least morbid person one can meet. If I think more about death than Gemini, Ex or Next

7 1

some other people, it is probably because I love life more than they do.”

Who said this? It’s Angelina Jolie waxing poetic, as opposed to waxing her legs—or injecting collagen into her already beautiful, though insanely large lips. But she also happens to be Gemini Sun, Venus in Cancer . . . and she couldn’t have defined this sign combo better.

Remember the Peter Pan complex? Yeah. The creed here is: life is too short. He who has the most toys in the end wins. Strangely enough, this Gemini guy also likes to help the world—always has a worthy cause greater than he. He’s good at seeing the big picture, but his mate may get lost in the shuffle in the meantime. He’s a free spirit.

The horror of

And will rebel like a socialist in a third-world

wedlock, the

sweatshop if his political or sexual agendas are

most appalling,

the most

squashed or stifled.

loathsome of all

He needs to express himself like a child who

the bonds

talks on and on without taking a breath. Eventuhumankind has devised for its

ally, if you stop him from venting and sharing,

own discomfort

he’ll respond as violently as if you just asked him and degradation.

to walk into a pharmacy to inquire which tamm a rq u i s d e pons are the most absorbent. In other words,

s a d e

you’ve just cut off his balls.

That’s a no-no.

Again, there’s always that fear of getting old sitting on this guy’s shoulder—and his eternal toddler within is irresistible to the rest of us. Damn appealing. He’s like a wicked little imp with a devilish smile. His allure is almost tangible. Twinkly eyes, mischievous grin. And, truth is, unless he’s crossed over to ultimate jerk, he can be like a cat climbing up a fish tank. We forgive him ’cause we 72

He’s Just Not in the Stars

know it’s in his nature. His “didn’t mean to do it” mewing after the bowl tips over . . . breaks our hearts. We let him crawl into our laps five minutes later.

Here’s the goody bag: he does love life. And sees the benefits of collecting things he adores. However, this doesn’t always have to be about monetary gain. Sometimes he surprises

Kids are at my

you and finds The One early on—and that’s the

level. I like

only thing he’ll care about.

goofing around

Forever.

with them.

See. He can be committed . . . and not in an

j o h n

icky mental hospital sort of way.

g o o d m a n

It just depends on what makes him tick. If he’s

looking for a partner in life, he may just be regarded like a tied tennis game—Love, love. For you. You make the call.

boyfriend potential rating: High if he’s true to his heart, not his wallet—and chooses well (not just based on looks). Very low if you get too involved in his business. He’ll want a wife. Not a business partner. Doesn’t like to mix the two. It’s like who-put-this-peanut-butter-in-my-chocolate? To him, chocolate is chocolate and peanut butter is used to make peanut butter sandwiches.

No jelly. Focus, people.

celebrity correspondents

with gemini sun, venus in cancer

Donald Trump (June 14, 1946) Wanna know what went wrong with Ivana? Ivana got too involved in Donald’s business (for The Donald). When it comes to business, Melania is smart: she makes like a huge ice cream sundae—and splits. On fourth marriage, but he can afford it.

Gemini, Ex or Next

7 3

Gene Wilder (June 11, 1933) Married four times (to Gilda Radner for five years, until her death); current marriage since 1991.

Lionel Richie (June 20, 1949)

Errol Flynn (June 20, 1909)

Tom Jones (June 7, 1940) Married since 1957 . . . That would make him seventeen when he married!

Clint Eastwood (May 31, 1930)

Ian Fleming (May 28, 1908)

George H. W. Bush (July 12, 1924)

Lenny Kravitz (May 26, 1964) Married Lisa Bonet in 1987. He cheated. They divorced.

Shane West (June 10, 1978)

Marquis de Sade (June 2, 1740) Most of his writing was done from jail. The word “sadism” comes from his name. He tortured prostitutes, usually with the help of his wife. Was sentenced to death but appealed successfully.

Joseph Fiennes (May 27, 1970)

Salvatore Ferragamo (June 5, 1898)

Beau Brummel (June 7, 1778)

Bob Hope (May 29, 1903)

Mario Cuomo (June 15, 1932)

James Belushi (June 15, 1954)

Notorious B.I.G. (May 21, 1972)

Danny Aiello (June 20, 1933)

Sam Mack (May 26, 1970)

Chick Corea (June 12, 1941)

Joe Namath (May 31, 1943) A playboy. The epitome of cool in the ’60s and ’70s. Settled down at forty-one. His wife and kids left when he was fifty-five.

Colin Quinn (June 6, 1959)

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

Gemini Sun, Venus in Leo

“She isn’t young enough or pretty enough to be the President’s wife.”

— N E W T G I N G R I C H , o n w h y h e l e f t h i s f i r s t w i f e . ( G e m i n i S u n , Ve n u s i n L e o ) Someone gong this guy. Don’t let him talk for more than three seconds. The boos are deafening. So . . . You’re not gonna like this list of Gemini/Leo guys: Prince Ali Khan, international playboy. Rock star Dave Navarro: married three times before he hit thirty-five. Joe Piscopo: left wife and married his kids’ babysitter!!! Newt Gingrich: divorced wife while she was on her deathbed!!!!!

The roster reads like a Who’s Who of While You Were Sleeping, he was getting some Sleeplessness in Seattle. It all boils down to confidence. Or lack of. This guy puts on a good show. Though he eventually can’t help announcing his weaknesses to the world. And he seemed so squeaky clean. He loves a standing ovation—but does so standing on one foot. And can’t keep his balance. He’s like a kid on a pogo stick, blindfolded: it’s hard for him to control where he’s going. He’s like a horny hetero guy on Viagra . . . in an all-male jail cell. Anxiety runs deep in him. It’s like how Felix Unger would feel were you to put him in a messy room with no vacuum or cleaning products. Confused. Frustrated. Damned near helpless. It’s all that air (Gemini) and fire (Leo). It’s what happens when you light a match near an open flame and blow on it: He’s combustible. Unfortunately, superficiality plays a serious part here. He doesn’t want to drown (in his feelings), so he stays close to the surface, where he can breathe. He’s also needy and dramatic, but has no patience for it if you are.

So here’s my advice. Do yourself a favor. Check out his Mars, Moon, and maybe even his rising sign (you can find this stuff on Gemini, Ex or Next

7 5

the Net). If he has some earth in him (Virgo or Taurus—not Capricorn, that’ll just make him wanna cheat with a supermodel), he could be okay. If he finds ways to quiet his insecurities, and you can keep him on his toes but still let him know He Da Man, good.

Just don’t let him trick you. In the beginning he’s a full-on romantic who gives a settled-in feeling right away. When you two get cozy by the fire, however, he may just go off for some marshmallows and never come back. He’ll steal your heart’s treasure . . . and go looking for other, ahem, booty.

boyfriend potential rating Extremely low, period. High if you’re a glamour queen, and keep some worthy prospectives around you at all times. That should keep him on his toes, even if he sucks at pointe. Just don’t make him wear a tutu. His real fear is that someone other than he will wear the pants in the family. He begins to suspect that if he does, he’ll just have to return them anyway—’cause he only got ’em on loan.

celebrity correspondents with gemini sun, venus in leo

Prince Ali Khan (June 13, 1911) Married Rita Hayworth. Dave Navarro (June 7, 1967) Married three times; last one, to Carmen Electra.

Barry Manilow (June 17, 1943) Married for one year. Annulled. Newt Gingrich (June 17, 1943) On third marriage. Paul Lynde (June 13, 1927)

Joe Piscopo (June 17, 1951)

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

G E M I N I D I C * - T I O N A RY

Magnetic <mag-neh-tick> He’s got “it.”

Translation for potential girlfriend: Attracting anyone with a Y chromosome within hundreds of miles. Horny <whore-nee> Nymphomaniac.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Ironically, it may not even have to do with a big, huge, um, libido. He’s got doubts. Lots of ’em. And if he’s smitten, he’ll be into you (and out of you, and into you, and, well, you get it) every hour just to make sure you’re still into him. Generous <gen-uhr-us> Gives to both worthy and unworthy causes. Translation for potential girlfriend: He vacillates between blowing money on a horse race with 100–1 odds to not spending a dime to fix a flat tire on a car that won’t run without it. Also, he’s known for occasionally giving more to charity than he’ll invest in a relationship. Well, the former makes him feel good about himself. That’s important. Charming <sharrr-ming> He can lead any horse to water and make it drink.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Who else but a Gemini could break love goddess Marilyn Monroe’s heart? John F. Kennedy. (While she was busy breaking everyone else’s heart . . . they were both Geminis.) Stud <stuh-ud> A male animal utilized to spread his seed in order to impregnate females.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Perfectly explicit definition above.

c h a p t e r 4

Cancer, Ex or Next

(the Crab, June 21–July 22)

Cancer Rude-iments

Bermuda Triangle. Ever hear the myth? It’s supernatural. A mystery. It reels you in and you disappear without a

ैtrace.

See where I’m going here? This is Cancer. If you’re not careful, you can get caught in his web. He’s the spider. You’re the Purina Spider Chow. He’ll leave you there, dangling, dangling. Waiting, waiting. Then he’ll eat you alive.

Okay. This is getting disturbing.

Cancer must have what he wants: namely, you—if you’re the object of his desire at the moment. (But he’ll settle for a nice condo in Aspen.) In fact, he doesn’t just want your mind, body, soul. He wants to control the outcome of every conversation, every thought in your brain, every utterance you make. That’s right. This guy wants to master you. Own you. Finance you (if you come with a good return). (We’ll talk about his weird obsession with money, power, and you in a moment.)

First, here’s the problem. He does this psyche tweaking so sub-78

He’s Just Not in the Stars

tly, you may not even notice. One morning you’ll wake up wearing a geisha getup and wonder where it came from. (Don’t throw it away. Save it for Halloween. It’s your color. Honest.) You can lose yourself in him. He’s a power vampire. His ideal

Any idiot can

mate is a genie in a bottle that he can take out, rub, get laid when

and make wishes upon. (And she wears that sexy

they’re famous.

little harem-pants number. You know, like Barbara That’s easy. It’s

getting laid

Eden wore in I Dream of Jeannie.) Call him Master when you’re not

sometime. He loves that.

famous that

He wants a woman who’s easy to get along

takes some

with. A round hole for his, ah, peg. She doesn’t irk talent.

him or call him on his faults. She stands by him

k e v i n bac o n

through thick and thin, in sickness and in, well, psychoness. She can withstand his moods—and

gets how incredibly deep he thinks he is. Poor me. No one understands me. (Translation: No one gets how utterly f*cked up I am.) However, when the subject changes to keeping you, not just getting you, it can be good. This guy’s got stamina and a few moves. He can do, in life, what Ahhhrnold can do with a machine gun and black sunglasses: terminate. He’s the king There’s a

of networking. Hottie impressive. He can create

difference

something out of nothing. And he knows that 1

between

percent talent, 99 percent perspiration (and inspisolitude and loneliness. I can

ration) will get him through the front door. (By

understand the

the way, ever hear of back door? Pardon. Pardon.) concept of being

Well, needless to say, this guy has a few fetishes he a monk for a

may never let you in on. If he does, you’re in. If he while.

lets you enter into his psychedelic, kaleidoscopic to m h a n k s

Pink Floyd fantasy life, it’s a good Peace sign. And if he confides in you about his childhood, he may be looking for something more serious with you.

Unfortunately, if his go-getter charismatic ways are suppressed, Cancer, Ex or Next

7 9

he gets lazy, depressed. He goes into a self-pitying coma and won’t even respond to shock treatment. I’m having the child of the alien who kidnapped me, you tell him. No response.

Nil. Brain-dead. Duhhh.

I do not read

Yeah. They say that Gemini guy has two sides.

advertisements.

Like I mentioned before: not true. He’s got many

I would spend

all of my time

and changes his mind constantly. Gemini is too

wanting things.

flit-y and fly-y to only have two. Instead, Cancer f r a n z k a f k a

guy does. He has two sides. Entirely factual: It’s Cancer who has the dual nature. One moment he’s remarkably cheery, warm, friendly. Sweet.

Then he turns to stone. He hides. He’s frighteningly cold and withdrawn. He huffs, puffs, and gives you the big, pouty-sad lip like Arnold Jackson gave Willis on Diff’rent Strokes. He can be nasty. Or just ignore you completely. (Don’t fall for this. Leave him alone and let him come out of it. He’ll find you when he does. Again, remember: Bermuda Triangle. Don’t suck up to him—and get sucked in.)

His sense of humor is muy importante to him. He always thinks he’s the funniest, cleverest guy in the room. Sometimes he is. Mostly he is. Sometimes he’s not. His jokes can get as grating and offensive as Liza Minnelli’s (bad) taste in men. He’ll only stay with someone who can banter with him, match his adept turn of phrase. But if you have a different perspective than he does, he’ll be off like the worst amateur comedian on no-drink-minimum night. He won’t tell you either. He’ll just stop calling. Here the term “object of his affection” really means what it says. You’re an object to him. To him, people aren’t necessarily people. (Harsh, right?) He collects things, and he needs certain specimens for his collection. This person, good for work contact. Check. This person, good for snuggling and making me hot. Check.

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

A few juicy traumas early in life and he can be one step away from psychotic. He’ll have to work out his childhood and family problems through you. Just remember that if you disappear

My “fear” is my

for a while (and he really wants you), he’ll pull out substance, and

all the stops and go get Lassie to help him locate you probably the

down the well. He’ll make a big, dramatic scene of best part of me.

it. He’ll pretend he’s Romeo and purchase the poif r a n z k a f k a son just in case he doesn’t get to you in time. Oh, woe is me. I can’t live without her.

Just make sure he doesn’t change his mind and give you the vial. (Just to see what happens.)

Cancer Tongue Lashing

“Pumpkin.” “Sweetheart.” “Cupcake.” He’ll call your mom and quiz her on your favorite pet name so that he knows exactly how to push your buttons. Tug heart strings. He’s the ultimate ladies’ man because he really does identify with Mom. And

Two thousand

he’ll attempt to treat you in accordance. (He does a years ago, we

good job of it. To understand him truly, though,

lived in a world

ignore his impeccable, chivalrous manners and get of Gods and

Goddesses.

to the heart of how he thinks.)

Today, we live in

However, when an evening doesn’t go right,

a world solely of

he’ll blame it on you. “I was just trying to make Gods.Women in

you happy,” he’ll mumble. And he’ll infer that

most cultures

have been

that’s obviously impossible because you’re so diffistripped of their cult. Yeah, r-i-i-i-ght.

spiritual power.

When Cancer guy is “on,” however, he radiates

da n b row n

confidence, charisma, and charm like no other. He glows like a night-light. Lights up the room like a lava lamp. Nobody Does It Better blares from the speakers in his groovy bachelor pad. (Meanwhile, there’s a Pussy Galore waiting Cancer, Ex or Next

8 1

in the wings for you to drop the ball. Yeah. They all want him. And he knows it. Don’t worry, though. He’s a serial monogamist. He can only handle one Pussy at a time.) He can be so sweet, you fear becoming a diabetic.

Know this, though. His sexy verbal foreplay is meant to woo you into his world—not done so that he can enter yours. (He doesn’t see outside himself. It’s what you bring to I love to be

the table for him—in bed, in life, any situation. alone. I never

Period.)

found the

They say he’s sensual. Yet there’s something a

companion that

little contrived about his tactics. Oddly, he’s sexwas so companionable

ual, not sensual. His technique is good, but it’s as solitude.

less slow and methodical, more burning-passionh e n ry dav i d that-smolders-to-ash if he’s not totally in the mot h o r e au ment. And in love. That’s how you’ll know if he’s not into you: It doesn’t reach your gut. He’ll seem removed enough that you’ll sense he needs a threesome before he settles down. Or before breakfast. Whichever comes first. Last thing: He may talk love and marriage—but probably only because you don’t mention it first. Do ya? Don’tcha? Yeah, you know how to handle this one. It’s called withholding—and I’m not talking about any payroll tax, either, ladies.

Cancer: Is He INTO You?

Here’s the good news. When Cancer is into you—when he’s in love—he can be the most romantic of all the signs. Sounds good, right?

Only thing is, he runs so hot and cold—in bed and in life—

you’ll be tempted to call the landlord to ask if something can be done about that.

Oh. And it can’t.

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

C’mon, sistah. He’s Cancer. He loves women. (Yeah, yeah, we’ll get to the mom thing. You picked up this book. Stop projecting.) He can also be generous when he’s courting you. Very gallant, with impeccable manners.

I would rather

One thing you need to be careful of: This guy

sit on a

hates confrontation. Especially with lovers. If you pumpkin and

get into the thick of it, he’ll say “Let’s talk later”

have it all to

myself, than be

and dodge you like the fat girl avoiding gym class. crowded on a

He’ll go to the nurse, cry yellow-fever (yeah, he’s velvet cushion.

scared—the pun’s there for a reason), and run off h e n ry dav i d

to play hooky with his bestest buddies.

t h o r e au

Speaking of buddies: This guy has a weird relationship with them. How shall I put this? Hmm. Well, there’s nary a Cancer man who doesn’t have a few, um, oddly effeminate or not-so-hetero affects. It’s strange. Cancer is a feminine sign (even though he’s still blazing hot). And this plays out with his male friends. He treats them like his does girlfriends. He lives for them. He’s close to them. He pushes and pulls and manipulates them like he does you. So don’t feel so bad. You’ll know when this guy is into you when he

As a rule, men

speaks in We. We love that. We should invite them worry more

over for dinner. We get along so well. We can do

about what they

that. We. We. We.

can’t see than

about what they

That’s SO us. (Right, there’s the us there, too.) can.

When Cancer’s not interested, he curls up into

j u l i u s

a ball and rolls away. That’s how you’ll know. He c a e s a r

won’t kick you to the curb. He’ll hint, hint like Alex Trebek when he favors a contestant. He’ll

throw you a fastball—and pray you bat him out of the field. Speaking of balls. Um, baseball. He spends his money on stupid things. Anything sports-related: soccer, hockey memorabilia. A motorcycle. A “dope” car. Power tools. (All the things that Cancer, Ex or Next

8 3

prove his studly ultra-hetero (again, hmmm . . . ) nature. BUT. If he’s into you—and only you—he will want to capture the stars and bring them down for you. He’ll buy you anything you want, and label you Worth It.

If worse comes to worst and the relationship isn’t going right, pull out all your contacts. You can fall into his work category: Access Hollywood. And, if you play the game right, dropping names without sounding too much like Paris Hilton’s stolen cell phone address book, you’ll make his top ten work-user buddy list. At least.

Thanks for sharing.

Advice to the Future Mrs. Cancer

Here’s a story. This one tops it.

Emily, we’ll call her Emily. Emily has a thing for Cancer guy. He has a thing for her—back. He’s her college T.A. (teacher’s assistant). She’s his, um, “student.” After she graduates, they have a few dates. He blows her off and I became very

starts dating someone else. Then, oops, he offs

famous, as a

teenager, and my

and marries another girl.

name and photo

But—and here’s the big but—he keeps in

were splashed in

touch with Emily and wants to be friends. She

all the media.

consents. Plays it cool. (By the way, she never

They made me

larger than life,

slept with him. Cancer will look for elegance,

so I wanted to

class. This was a huge plus in her favor.)

live larger than

Two years later, he separates from new wifey

life, and the only

way to do that

because he doesn’t trust her (she’s depleting his was to be

bank account without being honest about it. Canintoxicated. cer can never be happy if he can’t trust her). His y u s e f i s l a m ,

friend Em is still there. Fun. Interesting. Has her f o r m e r ly c at

own life. Not pining after him (though in secret, s t e v e n s

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

she is). Has a great sense of humor that matches his. Coy, perhaps. Intoxicating. Financially stable, too.

Three weeks after the divorce goes through, he

I like drama. I

calls her and wants to date. They do. For one year. love being in a

Then he gets cold feet. Again.

drama where I

Emily runs away to a cottage with no phone.

get to be the

funny guy.That’s

No cell. No Internet. For seven days (not longer—

what I really love

Cancer man will give up if it’s too much). He goes the most.

nuts. Doesn’t like feeling abandoned. Doesn’t go

j o h n

over well with him.

l e g u i z a m o

Yet, does.

End of story: He wants her back. Gets her.

They have a beautiful little girl and live happily ever after. Bottom line: Cancer guy is like a flounder. Fish, in general. If you move too fast, they swim away. Don’t scare the fish. Don’t be too aggressive. You have to remain stationary. Calm. Motionless. Fixed. Immobile. At a standstill. Static. Inert.

Don’t contact him. Let him find you.

Under the bottom line: He’s got issues. Cancer is a feminine sign. He wants to have control of the situation, wants to be Da Man. This dictates his role with women. He runs

I am a target.

away at breakneck speed, and the only thing you

can do to get him back is to run the other way, like o. j . s i m p s o n

salmon going upstream.

Last note: Cancer guy will first go for the

woman he can “save.” He loves tending to women with psychological issues, financial issues—with a woman much older than him who he feels he must rescue from advanced maturity without a Friday-night date. But then he’ll wind up with someone who’s got her act together, whatever age. He needs that kind of security like Linus, Charlie Brown. It’s his trusty woobie blanket. Cancer, Ex or Next

8 5

Advice to the Ex Ms. Cancer

This is tough, tough, TOUGH. Here’s why: Cancer guy, when he’s not ready, will push you away. But there’s absolutely nothing you can do to combat this except remain stationary (see above). It’s impossible. If you contact him, he knows you want him. He’ll feel omnipotent. If you don’t, he’s on to the next game. Double-edged sword. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So here it is: there’s only one way to get him.

Be his friend. Don’t encourage, don’t discourage. Always be the first to bow out of the conversation (in person, on the phone, live-bait, etc.).

Oh. This is so tough. If you have a picture

I didn’t beat her.

with you and a new boyfriend—no, no, don’t

I just pushed

her out of bed.

send it. BUT—if you have a photo of you with

someone important, harmless, but good baiting

o. j . s i m p s o n

prowess (like a celeb—Oh, gee, just met this person), it’s perfect. Send it to him with a casual “hey.” He’s incredibly intuitive, so your amateur make-jealous, makeshift tactics won’t work on him. But if you can find a way to incite his emotions, to play with him without looking like you’re trying to push-pull, you’ve got him.

If he invites you over for S.E.X., don’t go the first time. Poohpooh him. Just be friendly-like. Mysterious. Cancer lives for a good puzzle—New York Times crossword-style but twenty times harder. He’s not gonna come right out and proclaim his affection for you. It has to be slow. But, if he keeps pursuing you in his subtle hint-hint way, you can eventually say, Um, maybe. You’ll maybe come to the big bash he’s throwing.

Go. Don’t get all starry-eyed over him. Treat him like a good buddy. He’ll fall into line.

Here’s the trick: Cancer always feels a little uncomfortable around himself. If he can feel sure and steady, comfortable and good 86

He’s Just Not in the Stars

around you, he’ll stay. This is where the mommy thing plays out. He’s looking for someone who’ll give him unconditional love. But who, not unlike his mother, will put him in his place My job in this

with a loving tap to the tushy. Everyone tiptoes

life is to give

around him. Don’t you. You have to be like a macpeople spiritual robiotic vegan in a room full of carnivores. He’s ecstasy through

music. In my

looking for earth mother, grounded. Michelle Pfeifconcerts people fer in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Fantasy-like.

cry, laugh, dance.

Just make certain you’re not harsh with him.

If they climaxed

You have to ease it out of him—like gently applyspiritually, I did my job. I did it

ing a little WD40 to a creaky door. Slow simmer

decently and

on a low flame.

honestly.

You can get him if your glass is always half full, c a r lo s

your mysterious bank is always three-quarters full, s a n ta n a

and his ego is 125 percent full, replete. Done.

Sun/Venus Combinations:

The True Love Potential Test

Cancer Sun, Venus in Taurus

Ve-ry in-te-res-ting, this guy. When he finds his mermaid, he’ll dive into rocky waters and give up everything to go live Happiness in

with her under the sea. Daryl Hannah and Tom

intelligent

Hanks—Splash. He longs for peace, tranquillity,

people is the

real love. It’s a crapshoot with fixed dice, though. rarest thing I

know.

Destiny with an ironic sense of humor—because

he knows what he wants, but he’s not good at rece r n e s t h e m i n g way

ognizing it or choosing right.

If fate gives him a break, and he catches a

woman he respects and adores, he’ll never leave. He’ll cling like a Cancer, Ex or Next

8 7

barnacle to a sunken ship; like Saran Wrap to a hunk of cheese; like a wet T-shirt to barely legal breasts in Girls Gone Wild. If he marries the wrong one, though, he’ll keep trading up, up like you’d do with an automobile. He’ll keep the car and go to all the dealerships looking for something faster and shinier. (He’ll never get rid of the old car first. He’s too practical—and he needs it for safety measures, this guy. How else will he get to and from work?) When he finds the right car, he’ll do the trade-in and expect a good investment. Speaking of moola, a Cancer/Taurus combination will want luxurious, beautiful things. He’s Never go on

a bit of a low-key show-off: He won’t brag about

trips with

his new Porsche, but he’ll leave it in the driveway anyone you do

not love.

every day and polish it, so that everyone can see e r n e s t

how cool and successful he is. Ask him about it.

h e m i n g way

(That way he doesn’t have to let on to how

freakin’ insecure about his status he is.)

This guy analyzes the human mind and implements the psychology of it even in his work. He’s able to blaze new trails in whatever type of business he’s involved in. Actually, his real victory will come when he combines creativity with his job. Then he’s unstoppable with Greased-Lightning motif to boot. His flair for the dramatic and over-the-top flair definitely works in his favor.

Sometimes he seems like an incredible cynic—the way he mocks and judges things and people around him. In reality, it’s just his armored truck protecting the loot inside. He’s susceptible. Touchy. Perhaps gives the impression of being impervious to catcalls and comments, but in truth, he’s as thin-skinned as a Pinot Noir grape at harvest.

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

boyfriend potential rating: High if good fortune is smiling upon him—and you. If he gets it right the first time, you have yourself a great husband: one who’s odd, a bit neurotic, but will cater to your every whim. Low if you rely on him too much or suppress his childlike fascination for the world. He’ll be sneaky, sneaky, and try pulling the wool over your eyes. Using 100 percent polyester. Not saying he’s good at it.

celebrity correspondents

with cancer sun, venus in taurus

Prince William (June 21, 1982) A Cancer, like his mum. Mel Brooks (June 28, 1926) Married for a decade before he was married to Anne Bancroft from 1964 until her death in 2005. Tom Stoppard (July 3, 1937)

Gilberto Gil (June 26, 1942)

Ned Beatty (July 6, 1937)

Michael Blake (July 5, 1945)

Cancer Sun, Venus in Gemini

People are drawn to him like flies to manure. Don’t worry. You’re the fly. He’s the dung.

Seriously, this guy gives out sexy and magnetic—but when you get close, he’s incredibly humble and self-effacing. How does he do it? How can one man be so charming, yet have the power to seem so grounded, sweet, and—dare I say it—

I love sleep.

shy? It’s a heady love potion number 9. You’ll be My life has the

reeled in like a celebrity to the Dalai Lama (a Cantendency to fall cer, by the way).

apart when I’m

awake, you

He doesn’t usually show his goofy thufferinknow?

thuckotash side, but when he reveals it to you,

e r n e s t

you’ll sink like you’re in quicksand—fast. Thing

h e m i n g way

is, he knows his appeal to the ladies. But he

Cancer, Ex or Next

8 9

doubts himself. His midlife crisis looms (even when he’s in his twenties), and he wants to fit in all the good stuff now. He dreads Viagra on the shelf, reading glasses on the night-table, and a middle-aged wife who looks more like his mother

than the hot-to-trot sexpot/saint he married.

There is no

However, if you’re amusing, grounded, upbeat,

lonelier man in

death, except

never lecturing, overly analytical, or literal, you can the suicide, than

be his piña colada lady. (The song, remember? He

that man who

got sick of her, then realized she was the one he’d has lived many

been looking for—come with me and escape . . .

years with a

good wife and

and they lived happily ever after. Uh, after.)

then outlived

This guy is loving and intelligent. Translation:

her. If two

potent. His sense of timing is excellent in life—

people love each

other there can

comic, dramatic . . . He can use this to woo you or be no happy end

confuse you. It’s a landmine trying to outfox this to it.

guy. It’s hard to outrun him, and even when you

e r n e s t

walk away slowly, kapow!

h e m i n g way

Just make sure you stand up to him. If he can

control you as much as he tries to, he’ll respect you about as much as critics do Jessica Simpson’s acting skills.

This guy will crave attention like a waitress/actress craves tips. But be warned: Much of what he does is for show. You have to be spontaneous, fun, get close to him, but also have a life of your own. Otherwise, he’ll ruin you like a husband to his bride in southern Italy: He’ll do it behind closed doors . . . then hold up the sheet in public for all to see.

boyfriend potential rating: Extremely high if you’re mentally agile and can stand your ground. Keep in shape, too. He loves that. Quite a few good guys here can make it for the long haul (see celebs below). Low, if he just got successful or better looking and hasn’t been all these years. Lower, if his reaction to a weekend to-90

He’s Just Not in the Stars

gether and holding hands gives him hives. When he’s in love, you’ll know it. If not, you’re like luggage without wheels. He’ll take you out only when he has nothing else—then label you difficult to steer . . . and put you back in his closet until he needs more baggage. (And P.S.: Who does??)

celebrity correspondents with

cancer sun, venus in gemini

Harrison Ford (July 13, 1942) Married twice; once for eighteen years.

Tom Hanks (July 9, 1956) Married twice; happily, to Rita Wilson since ’88; also was married before from ’78–’87.

George Michael (June 25, 1963)

Chris Isaak (June 26, 1956)

David Spade (July 22, 1964)

Richard Lewis (June 29, 1947)

Ringo Starr (July 7, 1940)

Julius Caesar (July 12, 101 B.C.)

Nelson Mandela (July 18, 1918)

Cat Stevens a.k.a.Yusef Islam (July 21, 1948)

Franz Kafka (July 3, 1883) Suffered from madonna/whore complex. Sex repulsed him. Was not able to do it with someone he liked or respected.

Kevin Bacon (July 8, 1958) Still married to Kyra Sedgwick (Cancer/Leo): great couple.

Giorgio Armani (July 11, 1934)

John Cusack (June 28, 1966)

Dan Brown (June 22, 1964) Still married to the same woman. Henry David Thoreau (July 12, 1817)

Kris Kristofferson (June 22, 1936)

Peter Weller (June 24, 1947)

Cancer, Ex or Next

9 1

Gustav Klimt (July 14, 1862)

Gerald Ford (July 14, 1913)

Patrick Stewart (July 13, 1940)

James Brolin (July 18, 1940) Married three times, currently to Barbra Streisand.

Scott Foley (July 15, 1972)

Forest Whitaker (July 15, 1961) Married since ’96. Norman Jewison (July 21, 1926)

Doug Savant (June 21, 1964) Married twice, currently to (Melrose Place) Laura Leighton; they have one son, one daughter together. Huey Lewis (July 5, 1950) Married with one son, one daughter. Jamie Farr (July 1, 1934) Married since ’63 with one son, one daughter.

John Leguizamo (July 22, 1964) Also married with one son, one daughter.

(Uh. Getting freaky . . . Moving on.)

Cancer Sun, Venus in Cancer

Okay. This one may be hard to catch, but when you do, he’s yours for life. And I do mean life. I mean, he’ll never fall in love with anyone else ever again. Cancer/Cancer, when he falls, he falls over a cliff. A big one. Remember the cliff that Coyote falls over when he chases the Roadrunner? Yeah, that kind of cliff.

Also, remember the mama thing with Cancer? Okay, this one will actually want you to order him around. He wants to be whipped. Hard. ’Cause when he’s not in love, he can flit, float, and fly from woman to woman. But he’s most comfortable in a longterm thing. Don’t ever leave him. He’ll follow you—or, um, stalk you. If you don’t want him. Scary, he is. He’s so in love. Jealous, he can be, too. (O.J., we’re not talking about you.)

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Know this, though. He can be as insecure and unsure of himself as a freshman coed doing the sorority walk of shame down fraternity row in a chiffon dress. Also, this is what he appreciates best: a woman who says whatever comes to her mind. Do not edit. I mean it. Go crazy. Just blab. Just don’t try too hard. Talk and talk and say whatever. What-ev-er. He’s yours. For good.

This one’s a keeper, though. Just make sure you go to the back of this book and see that your Venus is in a water sign, too (Cancer, Pisces, or Scorpio), or you’ll be so sick of this softie after a few years that you’ll want to jump over a cliff, too. A real one.

boyfriend potential rating: Very low if you get pregnant before you’re married or before the relationship is rock solid. He should be in his thirties, at least. This guy’s a big baby sometimes. Wipe his nose, please. The rest of us aren’t interested in his politically incorrect boogers. Extremely high if he picks you. Just make sure you’re really in love with him ’cause he’s gonna stick around forever. And so will his mother because he’s talked about you so highly, she thinks you’re his wife already.

celebrity correspondents with

cancer sun, venus in cancer

Willem Dafoe (July 22, 1955)

O. J. Simpson (July 9, 1947) No comment.

Fred Savage (July 9, 1976)

50 Cent (July 6, 1976)

Yul Brynner (July 11, 1920)

Donald Rumsfeld (July 9, 1932)

Ernest Hemingway (July 21, 1899) Married four times; killed himself.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (June 29, 1900)

Cancer, Ex or Next

9 3

Carlos Santana (July 20, 1947) After excessive drug use and casual sex, became “spiritual” and married health-food-shop owner in San Francisco, 1973; still married with three children.

Nelson Rockefeller (July 8, 1908)

Dan Aykroyd (July 1, 1952) Happily married since 1983 to Donna Dixon (pretty blonde from Bosom Buddies, remember?). Calvin Coolidge (July 4, 1872)

Albert Brooks (July 22, 1947)

Derek Forbes, of Simple Minds (June 22, 1956)

Carson Daly (June 22, 1973)

Milton Berle (July 12, 1908)

Danny Glover (July 22, 1947)

John Bradshaw (June 29, 1933)

Jimmy Smits (July 9, 1955)

Billy Crudup (July 8, 1968) Left girlfriend Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes when she was seven months pregnant.

Don Henley (July 22, 1947)

Paul Young (July 3, 1944)

Art Linkletter (July 17, 1912)

Jean-Baptiste Dumas (July 15, 1800)

Woody Guthrie (July 14, 1912)

Pat Morita (June 28, 1932)

Arlo Guthrie (July 10, 1947)

Cancer Sun, Venus in Leo

This guy can be a nightmare. He’s like that boogeyman you always feared was hiding in your closet. Or under your bed. Actually, he becomes your night-light. You get addicted to it. Can’t sleep without it. Without him. He’s magnetic. Sexy. Charming. Radiant. Flamboyant. Yet reserved.

Devious. Yes, it’s true.

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

This guy, at his worst, will use you and everyone else around him to climb up the social ladder. Appearances are very important, and unless he’s at the top of his game in whatever Chutes and Ladders thing he’s playing, he’ll get very board. (Board game. Get it?

Moving on.)

He is also so authoritative, so headstrong, and has such a larger-than-life personality. His other half risks becoming just like him—literally, his life mate. (Ever see what happens to twins born conjoined at the head? Sadly, one is the stronger of the two. One must use the other to survive.)

Unfortunately, at his best, he’s so passionate,

Being happy is

playful, convincing, sweet, and oh-so-chivalrous, something you

you keep expecting the white horse to appear out

have to learn. I

of nowhere. He mounts it gracefully, sweeps you

often surprise

myself by saying

up in one fluid motion (you go, girl), and bounds

“Wow, this is it. I

off with you into the sunset. (He might even joke guess I’m happy.

around with you to put this into your head.)

I got a home I

Right. Here’s the other thing. This guy knows

love. A career

that I love. I’m

his audience. He “gets you.” Knows what to

even feeling

say, when to say it. His insight is keen; his sense more and more

of humor, sharp. He knows exactly how to woo

at peace with

myself.” If

you. Play you. Push your buttons. If you like the there’s

sound of a foreign language, he’ll learn a few

something else

phrases—perfectly. You like chocolate? He’ll

to happiness, let

buy up Godiva. Like theater? He’ll snatch up the

me know. I’m

ambitious for

hottest tickets in town. He even likes women

that, too.

who have a little meat on them. (Olsen twins,

h a r r i s o n

stop crying.) So he’s not averse to voluptuous.

f o r d

Ness.

He loves spontaneity and appears to be incredibly so. But, guaranteed: Every step he takes, every move he makes, every breath he takes, and every cake he bakes, is planned. Cancer, Ex or Next

9 5

It’s designed like a pirate treasure map, then studied, analyzed, and implemented in order to win the booty.

That’s why he’s so successful in business.

He also wants things to be easy. He knows he can be moody and volatile—and searches to keep it in harbor, away from the big motorboats (that cause annoying waves). He needs you to be his anchor.

Keep in mind, it’s tough to keep this guy true to you—unless you’re the ultimate package. He talks passion, passion. And when he falls in love, it’s over the edge. Plunging down, down, without a net.

It takes him a while to decide on you. He tosses it around in his head like a Cobb salad. You have to be inert while he’s mixing in the creamy dressing. When he’s ready to serve, though, it’ll be a five-star presentation worthy of Emeril.

Now: If you don’t help his career (by pure contacts, just looking good on his arm, or at least feeding him with good ideas), he can be as dangerous as a rowboat in rough seas. With a hole in it. And no oars. Made of lead. Also, he can be as faithful as a stud horse in a corral with ten pretty mares. Unless he’s in love. Then he’s yours.

Having kids is important to him—so if it doesn’t happen, it’ll affect him in life and with you. He’ll freak. He might agree to adopt, but it’ll filter into his neuroses and the way he sees you. Be forewarned. He’ll want to pass on his royal blood lines. Jealousy doesn’t work on him, ladies. Mystery does. And Janet Jackson sings: Con-tro-ol. Now I’ve got a life.

boyfriend potential rating: Potentially high if you can figure this guy out—it’s like navigating cobblestone streets in Rome with six-inch heels. Don’t be too pushy. He must make all the moves. From start to finish. You can get him only this way. Low if you 96

He’s Just Not in the Stars

don’t like to be controlled, manipulated, bandied about like a puppet, and dragged around like a three-year-old’s favorite teddy bear.

celebrity correspondents with

cancer sun, venus in leo

Geraldo Rivera (July 4, 1943)

Tom Cruise (July 3, 1962) Katie Holmes is a Sagittarius: fire. Fire and water (Tom Cruise, Cancer) are both emotional. This combination can work better than water and air (Nicole Kidman, Gemini) or water and earth (Penelope Cruz, Taurus). George W. Bush (July 6, 1946)

Sylvester Stallone (July 6, 1946)

Dalai Lama (July 6, 1935)

Tobey Maguire (June 27, 1975)

David Hasselhoff (July 21, 1952)

George Orwell (June 25, 1903)

Freddie Prinze, Sr. (June 22, 1954) Father of Freddie Prinz, Jr.; had drug problem; killed himself at age twenty-two. Vincent D’Onofrio (June 30, 1959)

Stewart Copeland, of the Police (July 16, 1952) Bob Fosse (June 23, 1927) Was romantically linked with Ann Reinking and Jessica Lange while he was still married to Gwen Verdon.

Merv Griffin (July 6, 1925)

Chris O’Donnell (June 26, 1970)

Antonio Gaudi (June 25, 1852)

George Steinbrenner (July 4, 1930)

Ross Perot (June 27, 1927)

Bill Blass (June 22, 1922)

Brian Dennehy (July 9, 1938) Married fifteen years to first wife; since 1988 to second.

Cancer, Ex or Next

9 7

Gil Bellows (June 28, 1967)

Nathaniel Hawthorne (July 4, 1804)

Neil Simon (July 4, 1927) On his fourth marriage; shortest was to Marsha Mason, for four years; first marriage lasted twenty.

Cancer Sun, Venus in Virgo

This Cancer guy is remarkably creative, but all done with a serious edge. There’s a warmth to him. A logic to his actions. A depth to his scope (bad breath, huh?). He’s known for his quirky sense of humor, his intellectual turn of phrase.

He has an intense desire to save the world from itself. Yes, it’s true. Charitable, charitable—wants to make a difference but has a tough time reaching into his wallet—his arm’s too short. It’s not that he’s stingy—on the contrary. It’s just that he wants—needs—

the refuge of money in the bank. Without it, he feels lost. Like Pippi Longstocking, without her freedom to sail the High Seas. George without his curious side. Paris without her vapid smile and small, rodent-like dog in her arms.

If he’s dangerous, it’s because his personality is constantly growing and changing. It’s not that he falls out of love with you. He becomes a different guy. He’s continuously searching for answers and tweaking his perception of things that go with it. He sheds his skin in the process. Like a snake. Or a Mexican Bearded Lizard (the truly venomous kind).

Again, it’s the intellectuality combined with vulnerability. He’s able to leap pronouns with a single bound, then melt like a snowflake into a lover’s arms. He’s a dominant man with a soft side. A Brillo pad on one side with three-ply silk toilet tissue on the the other. It’s hellfire, torture, without satellite television to fall back on when you’ve nothing else to do.

Only thing is, he keeps much to himself. His natural desire to be seen as a role model good-guy plays out, even with you. 98

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Here’s the advice: Keep at him. Don’t let him cop out like a mom who promises to pick out a really pretty prom dress—and then shows up with a frilly-crepe godawful excuse of one. (Three minutes before you have to get dressed and you’ve finally snagged a date with the captain of the football team.)

Get him drunk and malleable. I know, awful. But you’ve got to make him open up. If he confides his fears to you and still talks to you in months to come, you’ve got good coming. He’ll feel like he just got away with an unpaid bill . . . if it’s done calmly. The proprietor messed up, according to him. And it’s not a mom-and-pop shop so he’ll feel free and clear—’cause his conscience won’t ride him like a mechanical bull in a seedy bar.

boyfriend potential rating: Very high if you can get him to open up, confide in you, and consider you family. (This works with most Cancers.) Low if he’s too analytical and gets off by confusing others and engaging in some kind of sick mental masturbation. He internalizes too much. Get it out of him so his train won’t switch tracks and collide head-on with the goddamned gas station on the other side of the road . . . And blow up.

Last word on all Cancers, but especially Cancer/Virgo: Again, get him to open up like a clam in bouillabaisse. Now you’re the sauce. He’s the shellfish. So, according to him, you two fit perfectly together.

celebrity correspondents

with cancer sun, venus in virgo

Anthony Edwards (July 19, 1962)

Vin Diesel (July 18, 1967)

Robin Williams (July 21, 1951) Married twice—the second time: to his kids’ nanny. Since ’89, though.

Cancer, Ex or Next

9 9

Josh Hartnett (July 21, 1978)

Marc Chagall (July 7, 1887)

Marcel Proust (July 10, 1871)

Confucius (July 28, 551 B.C.)

Donald Sutherland (July 17, 1935)

Adolphus Busch (July 10, 1839)

Cheech Marin (July 13, 1946) Married twice; second, since 1984. Edgar Degas (July 19, 1834) Was straight but never married. Jim Kerr, of Simple Minds (July 9, 1959) Married and divorced twice; first marriage to Chrissie Hynde.

Richie Sambora (July 11, 1959) Heather Locklear filed for divorce in 2006. Terence Stamp (July 22, 1938)

Arthur Ashe (July 10, 1943)

John Quincy Adams (July 11, 1767)

Hume Cronyn (July 18, 1911)

Kenneth Starr (July 21, 1946)

C A N C E R D I C * - T I O N A RY

Feminist <feh-meen-ist> Someone who loves women and is on their side.

Translation for potential girlfriend: He still remembers feeling safe and protected in the womb. So much so, ladies, that he spends his entire life trying to get back in. As often as possible.

Playful <playy-full> Likes to kid and tease, even if costs your selfesteem dearly. Translation for potential girlfriend: Playboy of the worst kind, because he passes himself off as a nice, good mama’s boy from the first. 100

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Defending <deh-fend-ing> Will protect you and shelter you. Meaning: Defensive. He needs to protect himself, which is why he’s so keen on protecting you.

Translation for potential girlfriend: He loves being called on his tricks, but insult him or hurt his feelings, and you’re out like Pee-Wee Herman in a male-porno theater.

Self-aware <self-ahh-wear> Knows what’s going on around him because everything always relates back to him.

Translation for potential girlfriend: He can be so self-absorbed, they wanted to name a paper towel after him. (Is his name Scott?) Mysterious <Miss-steer-ee-us> Hard to tell what he’s up to, which is how he lures you in. Being with him is like riding a roller coaster for the first time: thrilling, exciting, anxiety-causing, but makes you throw up your cotton candy.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Manipulative. Sneaky. Like Mom when you were a teen. She let you go to that “sleepover at your friend’s house”

(a.k.a. fiesta keg party), then waited at the door when you came home to smell your breath.

c h a p t e r 5

Leo, Ex or Next

(the Lion, July 23–August 22)

Leo Rude-iments

Leo guy wants his ass kicked by a woman. That’s right. He just doesn’t know it yet. But he will. You have to wear

the pants in the family . . . secretly. Don’t let him know you’re doing it. Women’s lib, baby. Culottes circa 1977. Cool beans. It’s the only way he’ll fall in love. Trust this. And that it’s as hard as his abs.

But read on. Here’s something you didn’t

Love is the only

know. Leo man plays it off, but he’s sensitive. Or gold.

was. The narcissistic cocky side you’re seeing is a a l f r e d, lo r d

full-on product of his family criticizing him (or t e n n y s o n

rejecting him) when he was a wee-boy, growing

up. He needed to compensate. It’s a lot like a guy with a small hmm-hmm who buys a Ferrari. With Leo, his job, friends, and status are actually all a direct extension of his manhood. When he finds the right milieu, though, Leo throws himself into his work. He takes the temperature of his career every five minutes. He can do any kind of work, but if he’s not having success 102

He’s Just Not in the Stars

with it, he’ll resemble a moody, up-down, depressed Cancer more than his happy Leo self. Whatever he does, he has to be the best at it. Handstand down.

I’m always

He wants his special brand of Hollywood

described as

Walk of Fame to mark every endeavor and proj“cocksure” or ect he takes on—including you. He needs to be

“with a

swagger,” and

proud to have you on his arm. See, Leo guy, at

that bears no

first, will go for the superficial hottie-pants woman, resemblance to

but then he’ll wind up with a gal whom he rewho I feel like spects and trusts—not necessarily the supermodel

inside. I feel

plagued by

(though looks will always be important to this

insecurity.

guy). In fact, Leo’s worst fear is to marry someone b e n a f f l e c k

who’s capable of hurting him or leaving him.

That’s his job.

Here’s where astrology gets really nifty. Aries is the baby of the zodiac. He doesn’t think his way through; he feels. Tells it like it is, even though his version is usually wrong. Then, Taurus is just Aries, but a bit more “grounded.” Yeah, right.

I’m not the

He’s still immature, also amoral, sensitive (and intype of guy

sensitive), yet pulls off a more “logical” persona. who enjoys one-

Then comes Gemini. He’s still got the complexes

night stands. It

leaves me feeling

of Aries and Taurus combined, but adds in that

very empty and

mental agility; that fun, free-lovin’ aspect to it. A cynical. It’s not

neurotic mess, sometimes vengeful, a little spoiled, even fun

but plays the cool card well. Until someone

sexually. I need

to feel

trumps him. Instead, Cancer takes the three previsomething for ous to another level by discovering that the world the woman and

is even more interesting with him in it. He’s just entertain the

vain hope that it

figured that if you cry long enough, Mommy gives

may lead to a

you that candy you want. (Or he taunts and plays

relationship.

the push-pull game until she throws her hands in

b e n a f f l e c k

the air and just gives up.)

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1 0 3

Instead, Leo is a wild card. He’s still not so trustworthy (forget the loyal thing you heard about Leo—that mostly works with his good friends—unless he’s truly in love). He’s kind of the turning point when it comes to maturity,

Sometimes it’s

but he still has all those ridiculously immature

Britney Spears

and sometimes

traits lurking just beneath the surface. Push the it’s Carrie

wrong button and you’re like the girl in Willy

Fisher. I can’t tell

Wonka and the Chocolate Factory who’s labeled

if I’ve got a

“bad egg” and gets tossed.

Lolita complex

or an Oedipus

Leo’s an idealist and wants the best. He becomplex. lieves there’s a right way and a wrong way but

b e n a f f l e c k

isn’t above cheating a little to get it. (More on this. His ability to be faithful ties in to his maturity level and how important you are to him.) He has many sides: serious Leo, creative Leo, sunny and sweet Leo, dramatic Leo, dashing Leo, fun Leo, moralistic Leo, bold Leo, argumentative Leo, bully Leo, womanizing-in-secret Leo, then in-love-and-over-the-moon Leo. It’ll be interesting to see which Jekyll or Hyde you bring out of him.

So, back to why Leo needs his ass kicked. Well,

I have a love

not kicked. Just forced into the box. Leo guy needs interest in every

one of my

boundaries like a recovering sex addict locked up films—a gun.

in a brothel would. If you don’t set these up, he’ll arnold

push the envelope to see what he can get away

schwarzenegger

with. He’s like a James Dean rebel.

Right. Without a cause.

See, Leo’s the kid on the swings you tell to not swing so high, he’ll hurt himself; then he swings higher. A self-destructive edge earns him attention, and he’d almost rather get it by putting himself in danger than others. Well, that’s nice—at least he’s out scraping his knees, not making you bow down to him, making you scrape yours.

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That’s it: Leo knows he’s his own worst enemy. Like the guy who sleepwalks off a high-wire tightrope. He hasn’t quite moved into the guilt aspect of Virgo yet, but he senses he’s on his way. And he’s capable of doing bad things. Like the

The best

Mother Goose “girl with the little curl right in

activities for

the middle of her forehead”: When she was good,

your health are

she was very, very good. And when she was bad,

pumping and

humping.

she was horrid.

He has a strict code of how people should

a r n o l d

schwarzenegger

comport themselves. They say Leo is proud and

cocky. True. But believe it or not, Leo guy is seriously humble, too. Chances are, Leo is so fair, he’s likely to blame himself for mishaps and things gone wrong before he blames you. He’ll be happy to wear the dunce cap, sit in the corner, or write “I will not talk in class” a hundred times on the blackboard—if he agrees he’s wrong (which happens a lot, once he thinks about it). His conscience scares him like the Sleestack in The Land of the Lost, when you were a kid.

When it comes to his moralistic side, he can be as determined as Jim Bakker on crack, spewing “truth,” on his

I am sometimes

own goddamn preacher show. He’ll go over to the

a fox and

dark side, though, if he doesn’t think he’s being sometimes a

taken seriously. Like a chameleon, he’ll change his lion.The whole

secret of

color into whatever you’ve labeled him as.

government lies

He’s also got a few obsessive tendencies that

in knowing when

lurk around in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer tomb

to be the one or

of his mind. Deep down, he thinks he’s got a big S

the other.

on his shirt—he prays it stands for Superman—

n a p o l e o n

b o n a pa r t e

not Shithead. Or, even worse for Leo guy—

Stupid. God forbid. See, it’s his mission in life to show the rest of the world the way things should be, and prove how smart he is.

Leo, Ex or Next

1 0 5

But he also wants a woman to call him on his crap. She must adore him, appreciate him, think he’s the cat’s

meow—yet stand next to him like a schoolteacher

Never interrupt

with a ruler, ready to crack him one if he’s

your enemy

when he is

naughty. She won’t put up with it.

making a

That turns him on. He thinks it’s sexy. He

mistake.

imagines her with some lacy Victoria’s Secret conn a p o l e o n fection under her gingham skirt. (Incidentally, the b o n a pa r t e

schoolmarm fantasy works with Virgo man, too.

See chapter 6. And get out those sexy porn-star librarian glasses.) Leo man is looking for a woman who’s grounded, never dramatic (as he can be), and strong—who’s willing to walk away from him if he treats her the way real journalists treat Kelly Ripa. For reference, water signs such as Cancers, Scorpios, and some Pisces women are excellent beavers for Leo.

Um, beavers—in the way they can thump, thump, pat down problems before the dam breaks, explodes, and

floods the rest of us. These signs know how to

Don’t have sex,

navigate rocky waters: how to steer Leo’s leaky

man. It leads to

kissing and

boat safely to shore. (They never let him get swept pretty soon you

out to sea before he loses his Lucky Charms.)

have to start

Even the worst kind of Leo playboys can be

talking to them.

incredible husbands. When they’re really in love, s t e v e m a r t i n

they’re pussycats. They just need to be tamed.

Lion tamers have to hone their skills, too. Walk

softly. And carry a big whip. Ah, stick. (Teddy Roosevelt, Scorpio.)

Leo Tongue Lashing

If you’re not used to noble, sexy stillness, Leo is likely to scare you with his intensity. There’s a depth and goodness about him. He’s intuitive, so he’ll get it if you like him from the first. 106

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Leo doesn’t ask if he can kiss you. He just does it. His boldness is legendary. Like a cat, he waits for the right time, then pounces.

“Dump that guy” Leo insists. “He’s all

I believe that

wrong for you.”

sex is one of

“I will not!” you answer. “He’s my boythe most friend.”

beautiful, natural,

wholesome

“Yeah. But he’s kinda a moron, don’t you

things that

think?” Then he mumbles, just loud enough so

money can buy.

that you hear him, “He’s not good enough for

s t e v e m a r t i n

you.” And he proudly struts away as you watch

him go. Hubba, hubba.

You sense that Leo guy will work on you softly about it. You’re right. He’ll convince you slowly and surely—instinctively. And when he’s done (tactfully) wooing you by showing you that you deserve the best—namely, him—he’ll cut out the strong, silenttype thing; take you in his arms, and kiss you so thoroughly, you’d swear you just leapt onto the pages of a Gothic romance novel. He’s the fair-haired Viking. You’re the maiden in distress. Your knees will shake and threaten to give out. Lions, and tigers, and bears. Oh my.

Let’s face it, Leo guy is irresistible. He’s graceful. There is one

Masculine. He gets what he wants through actions, not thing I would

necessarily words. He’s sensitive, smart, intuitive, playbreak up over, ful, dark, deep, and mostly ironic. His sense of humor and that is if she

caught me with

borders on sarcastic—but without the biting, mean another woman.

edge. It’s like dark chocolate—yummy and sweet, but I won’t stand

bold and rich. You get a toothache—not from the

for that.

candy, but from smiling so much that your teeth ache. s t e v e m a r t i n

But can he be trusted?

Well, do pigs fly?

Leo, Ex or Next

1 0 7

Leo: Is He INTO You?

He’s magnanimous. Generous. Possesses boundless energy to leap tall buildings when he’s in love. (Then he needs to retreat into his cave to get recharged—Leo knows he can’t be on

all the time, and would much rather take ten

I love the idea of

steps back than show you his not-so-perfect side

“the one,” but I

actually believe

early on.)

that there isn’t a

Here’s the finger tip: Leo hates the fine deMiss Right.There tails. He despises going over things again and

are twelve

again. And pettiness is his absolute top pet

thousand Miss

Rights out there,

peeve. It’s like a miniature pup to him, yip, yip, and it’s all

yipping at his heels. If you’re petty, he’ll swat timing.

you away like a bug. He needs things to be fluid

m at t h e w

and languorous—a long, romantic lovemaking

p e r ry

session. That’s how he’ll want to see you handle

life. You should be earthy, sensuous, stable, and passionate, about everything you do. That’s all. Then you’ll get him. This man likes people who talk only when

they have something to say. He doesn’t mind the

I used to be a

silences in between. You can be gregarious, outreal Prince

going, and tell interesting, funny stories, but

Charming if I

went on a date

don’t talk just to make conversation and fill in the with a girl. But

blanks.

then I’d get to

When Leo guy’s into you, he gives, gives,

where I was

likely to have a

gives, and keeps on giving. He’s like that maxiroll stroke from the

of toilet paper you get at the dollar store—the

stress of keeping

one with the fifteen thousand sheets. He’ll do

up my act. I’ve

since learned the

everything for you. He’ll let you have whatever

key to a good

you want, whenever you want it. Especially if he’s date is to pay

in a good mood. And especially especially if it’s in attention to her.

bed. Only problem is—(yawn). Wait a moment.

m at t h e w

I’ll get around to it. A moment. Just . . . (yawn)—

p e r ry

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

all that fire and yet he’s so goddamn lazy. How can he be so generous and yet so lazy? How did that happen? It’s I like the idea of

like a weird time-warp Rocky Horror Picture Show

being alone. I

thing. Slow motion. Here’s why: It’s not exactly

like the idea of

lazy. It’s typical cat ate the canary. Leo just licked often being

alone in all

the bowl and grins back at you with that smug,

aspects of my

satisfied I’ve got you look. This suits him just fine. life. I like to feel

He doesn’t want to work too hard, ’cause—here it

lonely. I like to

is: If it doesn’t work out, he’s wasted his time. need things.

There’s nothing Leo hates more, except having a

ro b e r t

low limit on his Visa card.

p l a n t

Also: Leo guy doesn’t want to admit it, but

he’s a perfectionist when it comes to love. He wants lightning bolts to strike. Romance from an Audrey Hepburn movie (like Cancer). A deep, dark tango that lands with him surprise-dipping you to where you’re nearly touching the floor, trembling and crying for him until he assaults your bod. That’s what fascinates him: passion, baby.

He’ll still want you once he gets you, but you

If you have this

have to play rough with him—like you’d do with a

enormous

big dog. He’s part of the pack. Discipline him and talent, it’s got

he’ll feel loved. In fact, the only way he’ll fall is if he you by the balls,

it’s a demon.You

senses he’s conquered an impossibly tough cookie. can’t be a family

Something freshly baked—and still hot. Not a spoonman and a in-uncooked-chocolate-chip-cookie-dough, though.

husband and a

Trix are for kids.

caring person

and be that

He loves winning against the odds. That’s why

animal. Dickens

you have to be strong. Rock solid. Unbreakable. Dywasn’t that nice namo girl. Wonder twin powers, activate.

a guy.

There’s a downside. Even though he’s done so

d u s t i n

much to woo you, at some point in the relationship h o f f m a n

he’ll probably balk like a bull who’s forced to mate Leo, Ex or Next

1 0 9

with the same cow. Ouch. He’ll slow down to a snail’s pace. He’ll mess up so that he can test you—and himself.

He’s like that pathetic loser you overhear in the A particularly

bar, sobbing into his whisky over how he lost the beautiful woman

love of his life—and it’s all his fault. Do we feel is a source of

terror.As a rule,

sorry for him? Nope.

a beautiful

Leo goes by his gut and doesn’t take one step

woman is a

forward until he’s totally geared up to go, like

terrible

disappointment.

suburban girls with scrunchies and matching

shoes. Ick. And that’s usually when he’s already

c a r l g j u n g

faced the idea of losing you—and has decided

you’re the woman he wants for good. And plenty.

Well, you may just have to guide him where you want, in bed and in life, ’cause he’s waiting for you to service him first. He just wants to seem like you can do no wrong, but in truth, he’s waiting for you to give up, f*ck up, and do all the work. (Then he can call you a weak, pathetic yes-girl,

An intellectual is

determine he was right, and walk away with a

a person who’s

found one thing

good conscience.)

that’s more

Don’t let him get away with it. Slap him psyinteresting than chologically a few times. Be brutal. That’s the

sex.

only way to keep him faithful. He’ll be the Bogey a l d o u s

to your Bacall. Aw. Give this guy a minute of

h u x l e y

your time. If you like.

Just be sure you’re not too hooked ’cause it’s tough keeping him around till he’s 100 percent ready. You’ll know he’s there when you meet his entire family. He keeps his girlfriends hidden till it’s real ’cause he hates hearing opinions about you that aren’t his.

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

Advice to the Future Mrs. Leo

Here’s a tale that’s not tall. A woman, Karen, had a fiancé of nine years. They were finally nearing marriage. Then she met Leo guy. Though he never admitted it to himself, Leo guy was attracted to the fact that she was safely tucked in the warm Beauty is worse

embrace of another. Slowly, surely, he playfully

than wine; it

hinted. Then seduced her one night.

intoxicates both

After, he pulled away, but gave the impresthe holder and beholder.

sion that he was still interested—just giving her space. See, he never played it slick or acted like it a l d o u s

h u x l e y

was a one-night thing. He showed her he was

true but not her puppet. That worked. The sincere thing is attractive to any girl. He won her. That was the plan. Fast-forward to two years later. They’re incredibly happy. Leo freaks out and cheats. She finds out, of course.

I told you, Leo guy is self-destructive. Because he believes in the power of true love, he’ll subconsciously mess things up by pushing you away, cheating, et cetera, before he makes the final commitment.

So, she does the right thing. Leaves him. Adiós. Refuses to listen.

He does everything to get her back. For weeks.

Men do not

Meanwhile, they have a vacation coming up.

shape destiny.

The tickets were confirmed before all of this

Destiny

happened. Well, hell, she thinks. This is for me. produces the

man for the

(See, that’s the thing with Leo. If you do what you hour.

think will get to him, it won’t work. Instead, if f i d e l c a s t ro

you do what you want to do, he’ll absolutely respect that.) Long story short—they went away together. He slowly, surely seduced her back. After her putting her foot down for some time, he finally realized she was The One. They’ve been married ten Leo, Ex or Next

1 1 1

years now and have a baby. He is a loving, wonderful husband. I think that a

But during that rocky time in the beginning,

man should not

live beyond the

she shoved a Marriage and Communication with

age when he

Your Partner book into his hand, made him disbegins to cuss it like in eighth-grade social studies, and told deteriorate,

him how she needed to be treated—or else.

when the flame

that lighted the

Again, Leo man needs serious guidelines. If he

brightest

pulls away, you’re not going to show him you’re

moment of his

right for him by calling or stalking him. If it gets life has

weakened.

to the point where he comes for you, resist. He’ll do everything in the world to get you back.

f i d e l c a s t ro

Bottom line: He’s looking for someone who’s

strong enough to leave him. He can’t stand weakness because he desperately fears it in himself. Instead, if you’re brave and powerful, he’ll sense it’ll rub off on him—and he’ll be worthy, too, by association. If he doesn’t respect you, he’ll torture you the way he tortures himself.

Under the bottom line: Leo wants the best. Know what you’re worth. Be imported fresh mozzarella in a caprese salad, not Cheez Whiz.

Advice to the Ex Ms. Leo

Got to be honest here. Leo man is like Aries. If you chase after him, he’ll dump you like Adriana and Pussy, in The Sopranos, after they snitched. See, it’s not even about calling and saying “the right thing.” There is no right thing. Any attempt at getting him back will be seen as a sign of weakness. (If you’re gonna do it, at least be clever about it.)

After a breakup, Leo is looking for serious space. But here are other important things to know:

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

1.

Again, don’t ever be petty. Leo will run like an American tourist caught by accident in Pamplona during the bull run. Here’s what “petty” really means: If you call Leo guy and tell him off—that he’s a bastard, jerk, guy-with-a-big-L-on-his forehead, it will just make him never consider you again. In other words, if you tell him you’re fed up and he’s not worth your time—and you mean it—fine. Just don’t be nasty. 2.

Be nice and let him know you’re sorry it came to this but you just won’t have it. That shows you have control. Instead, if you tell him—again, petty—things like he sucked in bed or that his Oscar Meyer (wiener) was really small, or something else cruel, you’re as history as the two-dollar bill.

3.

You have to be a lady about it. And grounded. (See above.) 4.

A lady does not mean a sucker. Don’t be nice to him if he doesn’t deserve it. Just don’t attack him.

5.

Calling him to get your sweatshirt or disposable razor back will not work. (Again, he’ll see it as petty. He’ll think you’re trying to trick him. Which, let’s face it, you are.) 6.

If he wants to sleep with you, don’t do it right away. Work it, like Missy Elliot. But afterward, leave. And show him you’re still grounded—not trying to get him back. Yeah, you have feelings. But, you’ve got to go—you have work tomorrow. Show him he’s not the end of your universe. 7.

Blow off his calls for a while. Let them be like heat coming off a steaming tarmac in the dead of summer.

Leo, Ex or Next

1 1 3

Sun/Venus Combinations:

The True Love Potential Test

Leo Sun, Venus in Gemini

This guy can be a nightmare if he’s not totally in love. How do you know he’s in love? Easy. It’s not the flirting, the playful banter, the little remarks that make you think he might be jealous. When this guy is in love, it’s all-out American

Bandstand style. You’ll know it. Lookie here. It’s This is the

not maybe. It’s definitely. It’s: I need you. I want epitaph I want

you. I don’t want anyone else but you and I want

on my tomb:

“Here lies one of

a full-on commitment. Full stop.

the most

It can be as scary as your seriously overweight

intelligent

friend borrowing a pair of your favorite jeans—or animals who

ever appeared

as tranquil as a cat stretching out on a warm winon the face of dowsill. Again, it’s either/or. It’s not difficult to the earth.”

discern which.

b e n i to

This guy is looking for a strong woman: Abby

m u s s o l i n i

from Eight Is Enough. Carol Brady, without the

seventies-style ’do.

And here’s what strong means: NOT someone who complains about everything. In fact, don’t. Just someone who’s totally, unbelievably honest about all she thinks. And lucky you if those things actually: make sense.

You do not

What it all comes down to is someone whose

merely want to

be considered

neuroses match yours. This guy’s got a lot of

just the best of

them. But he wants someone who’s going to get

the best.You

him. And not take away from his “me” time by

want to be

being self-centered. More than he is.

considered the

only ones who

True, he can be a double agent. 007, without

do what you do.

Q and all the neat gadgets to back him up. He’s

j e r ry g a rc i a

good at keeping things hidden until he wants to

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

reveal them. He’s more Antonio Banderas in Spy Kids, though, than Sean Connery as James Bond. You’ll get it out of him if you want to. He can’t keep secrets for long from peoWhen did I ple he loves. His eyes are a dead giveaway. He’s

realize I was

see-through—like a shady porn photographer’s

God? Well, I was

changing curtain.

praying and I

suddenly

Here’s one good thing: When he finally “gets

realized I was

himself” (and that usually takes some time), he’ll talking to

pick the right one and stay in love. Deep down,

myself.

he’s a romantic—and he’ll stick to you like a

p e t e r

mouse on a glue trap.

o ’ to o l e

Romantic, right?

boyfriend potential rating: Super high, if you make him suffer long and hard like a pup waiting for a little boy’s ice cream to fall off the cone. (It keeps dripping on him, but you never cave as he whimpers and whines and flashes you cute, sad

I am a deeply

puppy eyes at your feet.) You’ve got to be tough

superficial

with this guy. Low, if you let him get away with

person.

anything. He’ll crush your heart like Grandma’s

a n dy

wa r h o l

generations-old locket you accidentally stepped

on with your Jimmy Choos.

celebrity correspondents

with leo sun, venus in gemini

Jean Reno (July 30, 1948)

Sir Alexander Fleming, inventor of penicillin (August 6, 1881) Edward Furlong (August 2, 1977)

Alfred, Lord Tennyson (August 6, 1809)

Laurence Fishburne (July 30, 1961) On second marriage. Marlon Wayans (July 23, 1972) Has two children with his girlfriend.

Leo, Ex or Next

1 1 5

Richard William Wright, of Pink Floyd (July 28, 1945) Martin Gore, of Depeche Mode (July 23, 1961)

Gus Van Sant (July 24, 1953)

Leo Sun, Venus in Cancer

There’s something maniacal about this guy. He needs to be a star, even if it’s behind the scenes. He’s dictatorial, controlling. He lives for respect and freaks out if you don’t give it to him. Don’t ever patronize him. He might stay with I have Social

you long enough to “win” your respect, but he’ll

Disease. I have

to go out every

resent you for thinking anything less than the best night. If I stay

of him. His heart’s in the right place, and he’ll go home one night

nuts if you don’t know that his intentions are good. I start spreading

Deep down, he also lives for love and family

rumors to my

dogs.

and kiddies. He’ll live . . . for you. He just doesn’t know if he can trust you with that information yet. a n dy

wa r h o l

Here’s the bizarre thing. If he finds the right

partner, that is, someone who’s incredibly grounded, kind, hard to get, a lot of fun, never boring, yet deeply in love with him, he can be oh-tay Spanky. Berry good. Berry good, like Dracula with the heart-shaped surprises. Indeed, as a love partner. BUT. If not, he can be ardent, fervent,

avid, . . . quick-tempered, easily incensed, hotI love Los blooded, obsessive, possessive . . . Continue?

Angeles. I love

He’ll give the Psycho shower scene a new look,

Hollywood.

They’re

with a psychedelic wig and an extra-sharp knife.

beautiful.

Truly, this combo of signs can be fear-inducing.

Everybody’s

As well it should. You’ll need a warning.

plastic, but I love

plastic. I want to

It’s like big, black clouds before thunder and

be plastic.

lightning come; twice. Don’t stick around for the a n dy

drama. Shakespeare’s tragedies don’t end well,

wa r h o l

y’know?

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

Here’s why this happens. This guy doesn’t want to cope with his deep-seated sense of uncertainty—about the world, and about you. If he’s in love, he truly feels like a I’d asked around

worm on a hook—he doesn’t know which will do

ten or fifteen

him in first: drowning in water or the fish about people for

to swallow him. Truth is, he doesn’t want to put

suggestions.

Finally one lady

himself out there. He thinks he does, but he’s in friend asked the

denial. And when he does step forward, he’s nerright question, vous about it. He’s more anxious than the gym

“Well, what do

coach in a carnival dunking booth—with his star

you love most?”

That’s how

athlete throwing, the day after he’s been docked

I started

from a game.

painting money.

He’s always at odds. Allegedly like Michael

a n dy

Jackson in a room full of young boys.

wa r h o l

He isn’t sure you’ll fit into his strange, complex, fantasy world. Truth is, he’s a philosopher, a poet, a romantic, an idealist. And a sweet, loving, sincere guy—if only he can find the right gal to cherish him the way he fantasizes and daydreams

When I got my

about.

first television

If not—and she shows a certain diffidence

set, I stopped

about the union when he’s decided it’s right—he

caring so much

scarily morphs into a female black widow spider:

about having

close

She mates only once but bites the male’s head off relationships.

when she’s done. (That must hurt. Not easy to rea n dy cover from without it.)

wa r h o l

Don’t worry, though. He feels guilty about it.

Afterward.

boyfriend potential rating: High if he’s got balance and can be honest about his sensitivity. Low if he names the children you’re going to have together—the first week you’re dating. And admires Leo, Ex or Next

1 1 7

Glenn Close and her impressive cooking talents in Fatal Attraction. One last note. This Sun/Venus combo produced real winning guys: Fidel Castro, Benito Mussolini, and Napoleon Bonaparte. But you can also have a good guy if you pick right.

celebrity correspondents with

leo sun, venus in cancer

Ben Affleck (August 15, 1972)

Robert Redford (August 18, 1937) Was married for twenty-seven years; divorced; four children.

Arnold Schwarzenegger (July 30, 1947) Married since 1986; four children.

Martin Sheen (August 3, 1940)

Napoleon Bonaparte (August 15, 1769) Married Josephine, a widow with two children; married again in 1810 and had a son.

Edward Norton (August 18, 1969)

Steve Martin (August 14, 1945) Was married to Victoria Tennant for eight years; now divorced.

Christian Slater (August 18, 1969) Married in 2000; divorced.

Matthew Perry (August 19, 1969)

Dustin Hoffman (August 8, 1937)

Carl Gustav Jung (July 26, 1875)

Aldous Huxley (July 26, 1894)

Fidel Castro (August 13, 1926)

Benito Mussolini (July 29, 1883) Committed both wife and son to an insane asylum because he thought they were a threat to his power. They both died early deaths there.

Tony Bennett (August 3, 1926)

Sydney Omarr (August 5, 1926)

Dean Cain (July 31, 1966)

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

Jerry Garcia (August 1, 1942)

Peter O’Toole (August 2, 1932) Married for twenty years; divorced.

Peter Bogdanovich (July 30, 1939)

Robert Plant (August 20, 1948) Married for fourteen years; divorced.

Bert Convy (July 23, 1934)

Leo Sun, Venus in Leo

Oh. This guy is so dangerous. He can be number one, numero uno, in passion, love, romance, and lovemaking.

Sometimes

But it’s like that sweet, nice guy in high school you love is stronger

never thought could turn into a bastard.

than a man’s

Though he could. And did.

convictions.

This guy is the last man left standing to part the i s a ac

Red Sea. He has special powers. Boredom, to him,

ba s h e v i s

s i n g e r

is death. Drama. Drama. He needs it. It has to just about drown him.

Here’s why. He’s more than special. He’s AdoFor our nis, with a tan. Achilles, without the problem heel. anniversary, I

Midas, with an extra-golden touch (that will touch had a certificate

you in all the right places).

drawn up that

states I can

BUT. BUT. You’re not the only one who thinks

never leave

so—and he knows it.

Angelina for

Here’s the deal. No joke. You must torture this

eternity. It has

man—not just to have him, to keep him. All

the seal of the

great state of

through life. He craves one life-changing scenario Louisiana on it. I

after another; this is what makes him feel his love signed it in my

for you. Otherwise, he retreats into a fantasy world own blood with

a paintbrush.

to get his rocks off. He creates spies, an underworld, and paranoid afflictions until you don the b i l ly b o b

t h o r n to n

Inspector Clouseau persona and call him on it.

Leo, Ex or Next

1 1 9

You’ll never understand his capacity for true strangeness until you’ve lived through it.

One day, you may realize that you wasted your

time with a totally romantic, completely f*ckedI believe in up, weird, creative, incredibly-lethal freakrunning through

the rain and

weirdo. If you can make this guy feel special—at

crashing into the

the same time showing him you’re not dying for

person you love

him, or too much in love (he must be the one to

and having your

woo you)—he’ll be a rock-solid partner when he

lips bleed on

each other.

senses that his brand of once-young, hot Elvis,

b i l ly b o b

now freakishly bloated older Elvis, has left the

t h o r n to n

building.

boyfriend potential rating: High if you can crush his spirit like an Atkins dieter in a donut factory. He’ll crave you more. This guy can go the good-guy route, but he can also be evil. Make sure you know which before you get embroiled like the Diff’rent Strokes kids (in criminal activity for the remainder of their lives). Low if you’re his first (or second) wife . . . Unless you can work the drama like a Jerry Springer guest.

celebrity correspondents with leo sun, venus in leo

Pete Sampras (August 12, 1971)

Andy Warhol (August 6, 1928)

John Holmes (August 8, 1944)

Alfred Hitchcock (August 13, 1899) Married once, from 1926

until his death in 1980.

Stanley Kubrick (July 26, 1928) Married three times; the last time for forty-one years, till his death.

Yves Saint-Laurent (August 1, 1936)

Claude Debussy (August 22, 1862)

Coolio (August 1, 1963)

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

Billy Bob Thornton (August 4, 1955) Married and divorced five times; last marriage was to Angelina Jolie.

Mike Douglas (August 11, 1920)

George Hamilton (August 12, 1939) Married once for five years. Perpetual tan.

Eddie Fisher (August 10, 1928) Married five times; wives included Connie Stevens, Debbie Reynolds, and Elizabeth Taylor. John Glover (August 7, 1944)

Isaac Bashevis Singer (July 24, 1904)

Leo Sun, Venus in Virgo

Just be his twin: in woman form. Monkey see, monkey do. Think like he thinks. Mirror his actions. Have some opinions, but make sure they match his. This man It’s important

wants his other half—literally. He’s in it for deep, not to indicate.

soul-kinda-love. But it’s not easy. He wants a

People don’t try

woman who’s rational and practical in public

to show their

feelings, they try

yet sexy, even vampy, in private. Madonna/

to hide them.

whore. Madonna/whore. Madonna/whore. Get

ro b e r t

it? Then you’ll get him. Be like weed: biod e n i ro organic, down to earth, but used for wicked

things, too. This guy’s macho. He’s got balls.

There’s a mysterious, sensual air about him.

He’s also a master of physical expression. You know that look?

The one your dad gave you across the dinner table, telling you to shut up? Yeah, the look. This guy can tell you 101 different things without one goddamn word. He’s quiet, yet larger

It’s all right

than life. In fact, you may have to stop yourself letting yourself

from blurting out, “What? Are you talking to me?

go, as long as

Are you talking to ME?”

you can get

yourself back.

Oh, but he can be sweet too. A charmer, this

one. Full stop. He’s got a twinkle in his eye. He’s m i c k j ag g e r

Leo, Ex or Next

1 2 1

special. In fact, be careful not to worship him—it’s easy to do. But you’ll just be banished to the nosebleed seats in the back of the stadium with all the other screamI like to believe ing fans.

that love is a

reciprocal thing,

And by the way, it’s okay to be one of these

that it can’t

obsessed South Beach–diet people. Counting

really be felt,

calories and talking about how many carbs you’ve

truly, by one.

had today is like foreplay for this weight-control s e a n p e n n

weirdo. (Note: This only works with Venus in

Virgo. DO NOT try this with the other men—see specific sign combos.)

When he falls in love, he does it truly. If he’s

That on a

looking over your shoulder at other women,

romantic level,

if you feel it

dump him like last year’s designer shoulder bag.

about somebody

He’s already halfway out the door. He’ll tell you, and it’s pure, it

though. Eventually. Leo/Virgo can’t fake it when

means that they

he’s not in love; he’s as successful at keeping feeldo too. ings hidden as gossip columnist Liz Smith is

s e a n p e n n

when she’s got the goods.

boyfriend potential rating: Medium high if you’re his type. Super-high if you’re a descendant of some noble

family. Or a rock star. Or blond. Even higher if

Normal love

you’re a supermodel. Low if he hasn’t attained

isn’t interesting.

I assure you that

some success and is still reaching for the piece of it’s incredibly

dark chocolate hidden on the top shelf. Marriage

boring.

for life if you don’t quake in his presence like

ro m a n

everyone else does.

p o l a n s k i

celebrity correspondents with leo sun, venus in virgo

Antonio Banderas (August 10, 1960) Currently married to second wife, Melanie Griffith.

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He’s Just Not in the Stars

Mick Jagger (July 26, 1943)

Robert De Niro (August 17, 1943)

Sean Penn (August 17, 1960) Ex, Madonna, is a Leo, too. Happily married since 1996.

I admired

Roman Polanski (August 18, 1933)

Melanie before

Mark Knopfler, of Dire Straits (August 12, 1949) I loved her.

Neil Armstrong (August 5, 1930)

a n to n i o

Patrick Swayze (August 18, 1952) Married since ba n d e r a s

1975.

Louis Armstrong (August 4, 1901) Married three times, first to prostitute, then to pianist Lil Hardin. Matt Leblanc (July 25, 1967)

Herve Vilard (July 24, 1946)

Casey Affleck (August 12, 1975)

Kevin Spacey (July 26, 1959)

I got started

Robert Mitchum (August 6, 1917)

dancing

Henry Ford (July 30, 1863)

because I knew

Ray Bradbury (August 22, 1920)

it was one way

to meet girls.

Peter Jennings (July 29, 1938) Married four times.

g e n e k e l ly

Louis Vuitton (August 4, 1821)

Wilt Chamberlain (August 21, 1936)

Herbert Hoover (August 10, 1874)

David Crosby (August 14, 1941)

Wesley Snipes (July 31, 1962)

Magic Johnson (August 14, 1959) After marrying in 1988, announced in 1991 that he was HIV positive.

Kid Creole (August 12, 1951)

Denis Leary (August 18, 1957)

Timothy Hutton (August 16, 1960) Married to Debra Winger for four years; to a French children’s book illustrator since 2000.

Leo, Ex or Next

1 2 3

Danny Bonaduce (August 13, 1959) On second marriage since 1990.

Eriq La Salle (July 23, 1962)

Good-looking

Dom DeLuise (August 1, 1933)

people turn me

off. Myself

Oscar Peterson (August 15, 1925)

included.

Peter Weir (August 21, 1944)

pat r i c k

Jason Robards (July 26, 1922)

s way z e

John Eisenhower (August 3, 1922)

Max Factor, Jr. (August 18, 1904)

Leo Sun, Venus in Libra

Remember the guy in high school who was such a stud, he dated every hot girl on the planet? They all knew he was a serious womanizer, but they still wanted a piece of him anyway? That’s right. He’s Leo, Venus in Libra. Women do not

Here’s why. He’s bright. Disarming. Charmwin formula-one

races, because

ing. Alarming. So powerful—he’s the one your

they simply are

eyes move to in a room. He’s still. Intuitive. Can not strong

sense what turns you on; what’ll make you want

enough to resist

him. Convince you to parachute without a spare

the G-forces. In

the boardroom,

for backup. A staaaah.

it is different. I

Listen, he can be the worst kind of playboy.

believe women

He can also be abusive—both physically and

are better able

to marshal their

mentally—depending on how over-the-edge he is.

thoughts than

You have to examine his morals and scruples. Is

men, and

he more Andy Griffith or Andy Dick?

because they are

He has an addictive personality. He gets adless egotistical they make fewer

dicted to things. You get addicted to him. He’s

assumptions.

simply addicted to love, like Robert Palmer.

h e n ry f o r d

The worst problem: You don’t care. He’s

charismatic. He lights up your life like Debbie Boone. Yet smothers your dreams of happily-ever-after like Kenny G does to real 124

He’s Just Not in the Stars

jazz. Power, success, and diligence come naturally to this guy. He’s usually very bright and will expound on any subject. Nah. He’ll actually steer the subject to what he knows The worst

about ’cause he loves hearing himself talk. If he’s moment from

not center stage, he’ll complain like a drunk in

all of this was

church.

driving from

that doctor’s

This guy will gravitate toward elegance and

office, to tell my

beauty. He’s more interested in Madonna, the

wife that I was

Mother of God, than, say, Madonna, the Material

HIV-positive.

Girl. (Though a woman with money and status

m ag i c

will attract him like fruit flies to a bowl of overripe j o h n s o n

peaches.)

He’s his own brand of celebrity. And he’ll brand you his if he knows he can trust you to never reveal what special kind of jerk he can really be. He would absolutely freak if his fans knew the truth. He’s looking for the girl who’ll let him cheat off her in algebra—then never tattle about it. He cheats.

There we were

You suffer.

in the middle

And that’s okay by him.

of a sexual

By the way, did you know that Kenny Rogers

revolution

was married five times? So damned unassuming . . . wearing clothes

that guaranteed

we wouldn’t

boyfriend potential rating: High if you put get laid.

up with all his crap. He’s like the most angelicd e n i s l e a ry looking, gorgeous child who smiles prettily as

he throws your priceless antique vase down the

garbage chute. Low if you can’t stand the heartache and angst of wondering who he’s charming the pants off now. Literally. Leo, Ex or Next

1 2 5

celebrity correspondents

with leo sun, venus in libra

Bill Clinton (August 19, 1946) Note on Bill and Hillary: She’s Scorpio, Venus in Scorpio. Their suns match. Venuses don’t. Water and air? Ouch. Plus, Venus in Scorpio can be jealous. (For good reason.)

James Cameron (August 16, 1954) On his fifth marriage. Fred Durst (August 20, 1970)

Sultan Aga Khan (August 15, 1898) Notorious playboy. Davy Crockett (August 17, 1786)

John Williams (August 9, 1962)

Malcolm-Jamal Warner (August 18, 1970)

Ted Hughes (August 17, 1930) Was married to Sylvia Plath until she killed herself; married eighteen years to second wife, until his death. He was said to be an abuser and an incorrigible cheater. Kenny Rogers (August 21, 1938) Married five times. Don Ho (August 13, 1930)

James Marsters (August 20, 1962)

Joe Jackson (August 11, 1954)

Orville Wright (August 19, 1871)

Frank Gifford (August 16, 1930) Married three times, currently to Kathie Lee.

Roy Rogers (August 19, 1973)

Frank Perry (August 21, 1930)

Kevin Dillon (August 19, 1965)

L E O D I C * - T I O N A RY

Sexual <secks-shoo-all> In. And out. And under. And over . . . Translation for potential girlfriend: Likes doing it a lot—which is good for you. Especially when he’s not doing it with others, at the moment. 126

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Romantic <row-man-tick> Thinks he’s Rudolph Valentino. Translation for potential girlfriend: Isn’t Rudolph Valentino (who was allegedly arrested for prostituting himself; at least he was paid for it). Powerful <pow-urr-full> Able to light up and control a room. Translation for potential girlfriend: May also have the ability to control you. Magnanimous <mag-nah-ni-muss> Gives, gives, and keeps on giving. Translation for potential girlfriend: Only when he feels like it. Clever (with words) <cleh-vurr> Knows the right thing to say and when to say it.

Translation for potential girlfriend: This can be confusing. You want to call him on his dartboard shot—but it was right on the mark (even though it hit below the belt and still hurts).

c h a p t e r 6

Virgo, Ex or Next

(the Virgin, August 23–September 22)

Virgo Rude-iments

Listen up, cutie pies. There’s something very wrong with the way we’ve been thinking about our fair Virgin. Know

why?

’Cause Virgo’s really about as virginal as Drew Barrymore—at twelve (with her drug problem). As virginal as Britney Spears when she was with Justin Timberlake—and went on every media show claiming it. As virginal as Madonna on her Like a Virgin world tour. Ahem.

See, something’s been misconstrued here. Virgo’s difficult. Yes. You sense this. Ridiculously systematic. And guarded, like the actual hiding place of Jimmy Hoffa’s body. Dark, like when someone dies in a Harry Potter book. (You don’t expect it.) Yet there’s something else. What? Is it? Gasp! Virgo is actually one of the sexiest, most intelligent guys around. He’s got sometin’

special, mon. Yeah, mon. Peace out. Yup, he’s Indiana Jones and James Bond and Richard Gere (Virgo) and Sean Connery (Virgo) and Hugh Grant (Virgo) combined. Ooga, ooga.

128

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Bet you didn’t know. He’s also damned charming. Eccentric. Made him and threw away the mold. Has odd habits (but he’d rather you didn’t know that yet). His comic timing On a good

is genius. He’s a great storyteller. Does impersonnight, I get

ations you wouldn’t believe. He’s generous with

underwear, bras,

his time and always puts others before himself. A and hotel-room

keys thrown

perfectionist. Romantic (in his own way). A true

onstage. . . . You

poet with a gift for language. Presence.

start to think

Problem is, where is all that yowza directed?

that you’re Tom

He’s so goddamn contained. He seems so open,

Jones.

yet he always leaves something in reserve—like

k e a n u r e e v e s

that extra tip of a condom in use.

Hey, kids. There’s a part of him hidden from the rest of the world. Well. He’s not aware of it. If you ask him, he’s an open book. (Yeah. Read him and weep.) In reality, though, he’s as closed as a Puritan’s eyes on Forty-second Street.

Here’s the thing. Virgo is strangely intuitive and senses who truly likes him and who doesn’t. But when it comes to sussing out his own current love predicament, he’s completely Any jackass can

lost. Because he just doesn’t see things the way you kick down a

or I do. He’s too analytical to let karma, energy, barn, but it takes

and his natural-born intuition ruin the facts.

a good

carpenter to

Strangely enough, something has to be proven for

build one.

him to believe it, even though he’s the consumly n d o n b. mate idealist. So he’s at war with himself.

j o h n s o n

Subconsciously, too, he doesn’t want to be “discovered.” He’s his own worst critic. In fact, admitting his “faults” would be like proclaiming himself a witch in the 1500s—in Salem, Massachusetts. He’s overtly, yet covertly afraid he’ll be burned at the stake. He hates putting himself out there, so he analyzes everything to death to prevent it. It’s a control thing. He’s insecure, touchy, paranoid like Scooby-Doo, with an extra Virgo, Ex or Next

1 2 9

toke of the “Mystery Machine” herb stuff. (Yeah, you tell me why that van had dark, tinted windows and Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies? Uh-huh. Riiight.)

The scariest thing for Virgo is to be embarActually, I’m an rassed in public. Yet he’s drawn to scandal like overnight

success, but it

Jennifer Lopez is to marriage. (She’s a Leo, Venus took twenty

in Virgo. Instead of simply sleeping with guys, she years.

let her guilt complex get to her and married them: m o n t y h a l l

Um, Virgo influence.) Don’t believe me? Check

this out. Virgos: Hugh Grant (sex with a prostitute in public); Charlie Sheen (numerous scandals with prostitutes); Fred Durst (sex-tape scandal); Kobe Bryant (rape scandal); Bill O’Reilly (accused of employee sexual harassment/taped phone sex); Michael Jackson (accused of pedophilia); Robert Blake (accused and acquitted of killing his wife of six months); Leo Tolstoy (wrote about sexual addiction; had sex with his serfs and kept diaries); Ivan the Terrible (raped many women, also buried them alive, hanged, and mutilated them); Caligula (alleged incest with his sisters); William Kennedy Smith (alleged rape). All Virgos. Uh. That’s a pretty long list.

Here’s the ironic thing. Virgo has a more-than-odd relationship with sex. He’s a sex symbol, yet doesn’t necessarily want to be regarded as such. (River Phoenix, a Virgo who died of a drug overdose, for example, hated being revered in this way.) He has fetishes that he doesn’t want anyone to know about. Even you. But here’s the real problem: He’s not even aware of it. He thinks—is convinced—that he wants love for forever and ever. Yet he does everything—everything, folks—to f*ck it up. Want to know why?

Virgo is a closet masochist.

That’s right. He likes to suffer but doesn’t know it. He’s the Marquis de Sade of the astrological Wayne’s World. Wayne’s World, 130

He’s Just Not in the Stars

’cause he’s got a strange sense of humor but he’s the only one allowed to laugh (especially if the joke’s on him). Humiliation is a dirty, rotten scoundrel game for him, and he gets off on being murky, ruining his reputation,

No self-

then making a comeback and showing us all he’s

respecting gay

not necessarily the good little boy we thought he guy would have

was—but can still walk around among us clean

ever made some

of the hair and

folk (and get away with it). He plays the victim

clothing choices

card all too well. He needs his dirty laundry aired I am still trying

so that he can be punished for it, get it off his to live down.

conscience, then go back to being the noble

dav i d

prince.

c o p p e r f i e l d

One more thing. Virgo guy’s so bright, it’s hard

to understand why he does such stupid things. Especially in love. In his work life, he’s the poster child for good business sense. He’s organized and brilliant.

This one’s a keeper, though, and can be faithful

A little nonsense

when he’s in love (after the decades it takes him to now and then is

finally decide on you). Just make sure you talk

relished by the

things through with him—in and out of bed—or

wisest men.

he’ll secretly construct a scenario where the heroroa l d da h l ine (you) gets it in the end. And doesn’t get the guy. Well, obviously. ’Cause she’s dead in his mind.

His drama is hidden like a murder weapon in a Latin soap opera.

But it’s there.

Oh, it’s there.

Virgo Tongue Lashing

“You’re a naughty little girl and you want me to punish you for it,”

Virgo whispers in your ear.

Virgo, Ex or Next

1 3 1

“Hmm? What?” you reply.

Virgo pretends he never said it.

If you react (and play along), Virgo guy will embroil you in an intense schoolteacher little-Catholic-girl-school-uniform role-playforeplay sex talk. (It’s his way of distancing himself yet getting the goods.) Doooooo behave! Like Austin Powers, he

I just don’t think

loves to be naughty. Though he keeps it conI’m that

tained, like Renee Zellweger . . . and her faux–interesting. I Bridget Jones accent. (Which was pretty good, by

don’t think what

the way.) “Why are you so spoiled?” Virgo will

I have to say is

that interesting.

ask you, changing the mood entirely. He’ll kid

To hear me go

about it. Grin and wink. Hug and pat you like he’s blah, blah, blah,

burping a baby (right, where’s the intimacy?).

blah, blah. I

mean, who . . .

The damage, however, is done. It’s obvious that

cares?

he’s being as real as Tara Reid’s rack.

j a m e s

Leo guy, by contrast, turns and tosses in bed,

g a n d o l f i n i

hoping and praying that what he did today was

right. However, he works it out for himself. Virgo, on the other hand, takes it one giant leap further. He can’t help but criticize and find fault with your life. He’ll blame you for the way you, ah, dance through it. “Where’s your reliability?!” he chides. Yet he cha-chas, sambas, rumbas, tangos, salsas, waltzes, and breakdances through his life (and gets a 2 on Dance Contest TV—out of 10). He’s more critical of himself than he is of you, though. Know this: He doesn’t want to tap-dance his way out of accountability. Responsibility. That’s some serious stuff for Virgo. He feels responsible for the state of the world at large. Again, serious. It’s hard to break that barrier or label him anything but

“good-guy.” He’s self-effacing, modest in a charming way. Humble. He’ll listen to you. Help you with your problems. Be the rock you can lean on. Give you great advice. Things need to be focused on him, though. He’s a martyr sometimes, but only be-132

He’s Just Not in the Stars

cause it lets him be the center of attention. He needs to be appreciated for his efforts. It’s like if Leo were cornflakes, he’d be the same brand, but with a harsh, grainy-nut

I have always

side. He’s like an Oprah guest ranting and raving hated that

about how no one’s paying attention to the poor,

damn James

starving children in Africa—but doesn’t leave the Bond. I’d like to

kill him.

stage before he flashes his new book and a winning smile. s e a n

c o n n e ry

Want to know what gets him fired up? Besides being “forced” to have hot, covert sex in a public bathroom?

Read on.

Virgo: Is He INTO You?

He can be generous, this guy. Just make sure that necklace you want isn’t near his accountant’s office. It’ll remind him that he owes the guy money.

Seriously, though. If he’s got the money to spend, he’ll spend it. It’s just that he doesn’t want to go overboard and show his emotions, so you might just get a Diet Coke with a bendy straw for your first anniversary, instead. Just sayin’.

However, if you give a hint that you want those new surroundsound speakers or an extra computer for your home office, he won’t balk at getting it for you. Actually, he’s more likely to spend his money on you (and on electronics or cookware) than he is on himself. He’s probably very methodical about money. This can take on many Silly Putty color forms. Shrinky Dinks. Money, to him, is security and status, and he likes having a few projects going at the same time. Not saying he’s wealthy or anything—though he usually has a few coins put away. Sometimes, however, he lets his Virgo, Ex or Next

1 3 3

perfectionist side interfere with his moola-making. For instance, he probably stays up nights wondering why they put George Washington on the one-dollar bill, since he lied about the cherry tree and everything. (Lying, to him, is unforgivable. Again, trust, for this guy, is HUGE.)

However, Virgo guy definitely has a kind demeanor. He’ll care about helping you and your state of affairs: that’s Virgo. He’s got a hyper-intelligent mind that makes him think too much, so he tries to steer it away from his emotions . . . but he’s perfectly willing to help you with yours.

Obsessing about work stuff and holding emotions in is normal for this guy. It’s a little scary when he finally does open up to you and spill the beans on what’s been bothering him. He’s calm, calm. He’ll smile and pat the couch

Oh, that. I just

next to him for you to sit down. Then he’ll erupt do that for the

extra money,

like a thundering volcano that hasn’t exploded

and to satisfy my

since Mount Vesuvius.

male need to kill

You’ve got to get him to open up. Easy,

and win.

though. He has to learn to confide in you. Sec h a r l i e cretly, he’s a real gossip hound. And he worries

s h e e n

that his public image will be shot if he lets on

about anything—even to you. When he does let go, though (especially in bed), he’s the best mix of sensuality and slick moves—with good aim.

Pull away so that he can win you. Like a professional gambler, he’ll only bet on you when he’s sure of the odds.

Advice to the Future Mrs. Virgo

Virgo guy is a serial monogamist. He believes in one gal at a time. Typical Virgo will definitely feel more if his woman doesn’t hop 134

He’s Just Not in the Stars

into his bed right away. He’s slow on the draw because he likes to study and analyze his partner’s moves—so that he can use that information to his advantage in the future. He’s really lazy about finding someone who’s perfect for him

’cause in a way he doesn’t truly believe she’s out I don’t want to

there. That’s why he’ll usually stick around for

die in a car

awhile with one girl—till he finds the next.

accident.When

Virgo is the most difficult of signs to drag to

I die it’ll be a

glorious day. It’ll

the altar. I say “drag,” because that’s just what you probably be a

might have to do to get him there. It’s gonna take waterfall.

years of being sure . . . Virgo guy’s not likely to go r i v e r

to Las Vegas with you, drink bottles of champ h o e n i x pagne till he’s blotto, and wind up in Elvis’s “little love shack of marriage” in front of a priest.

Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea . . .

Listen. There is something very pure and idealistic about the way Virgo sees love. He’s practical about it—and understated. Yet there’s something romantic in that, too. Know

What I’m doing

this: If you manage to secure a Virgo guy, he’ll

right now, I’m

likely make a very good husband—plus, he’ll wipe

chasing

your nose and take care of you when you’re sickly perfection.

with the flu. His love will be dependable, like

ko b e b rya n t

good absorbent undergarments for bladder control. And randy—like a teenage boy in his hot exbabysitter’s presence. Physical affection out of bed? Nah. You don’t need it. It’s just like the movie Titanic—overrated.

Advice to the Ex Ms. Virgo

Really want to hear the truth? Listen up.

Virgo guy, if he’s left you, has probably mulled it around in his Virgo, Ex or Next

1 3 5

brain a million times. He’s not likely to make rash decisions, like your sloshed friend who leaves drunk, idiotic messages on her exboyfriend’s answering machine. (Yeah, that’ll work: telling him not to call her anymore.)

Good news: Virgo guy is maybe the only one in the zodiac to tell it to you straight. (Most guys just disappear like Casper.)

There is no me.

If you’re calm, rational, grounded, and you ask

I do not exist.

There used to

Virgo guy to talk it out with you, he may take the be a me, but I

smelly fish bait. And be stand-up. You can work it had it surgically

from there. Seriously, though, he’s about as likely removed.

to change his mind about you as Coca-Cola and

p e t e r

Pepsi are to join forces, form a deal, and unite. s e l l e r s

Do NOT play the trampy sex card. He might

go for it, but he’ll respect you about as much as the TV repairman he had over last Thursday—who didn’t fix the set, damn it. Also, because Virgo is so contained, he can do abstinence like an executive in a midlife crisis does his secretary. (Or like I-amGod-therefore-I-can-do-what-I-want celebrities do their kids’

babysitters: witness Steven Segal, Jude Law, Joe Piscopo.) Better just wait and see what happens. If Virgo wants you, he’ll hunt you down like the noble professor did Clarice (with a picnic basket full of fava beans and a nice Chianti—very elegant and finesse-y, y’know).

But it won’t be spooky and he won’t eat your brain (yeah, the gory sequel, Hannibal). He’ll need that mental part of you so he can fall in love with you all over again.

Aw.

136

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Sun/Venus Combinations:

The True Love Potential Test

Virgo Sun, Venus in Cancer

This guy can’t shake the nice-guy image . . .’cause he is one. Truth is, he does care about how he affects other people’s lives. He’s as generous with his time as groupies are to giving it away to rock stars.

Actually, there’s something odd about his selflessness. He’s seriously manic about showing he likes “keeping it real.” It’s like

“Jenny from the Block,” though—sporting a flawWhen I was in less ten-carat diamond and wearing Juicy sweats.

first grade,

He does like the simple things. A Spartan life.

everyone made

He’ll trek into the wilderness (and drag you with fun of my name,

of course. I think

him) just to prove his case. See? Why does he

it’s kind of a big

need to show everyone he’s able to give up creaname to hold up ture comforts? It’s hypocritical and weird—’cause when you’re nine

we know he’s got enough in the bank to own a

years old. It

seemed goofy. I

piece of it.

used to tell

He’s a good joke teller, but his sense of humor

people I wanted

is offbeat, strange, sometimes dark. He’ll gravitate to change the

world, and they

toward the one at the dinner table who laughs the used to think,

hardest at his jokes. His optimism is legendary—

“This kid’s really

but when things go wrong, he retreats into a cave weird.”

and tries to work things out by himself.

r i v e r

Don’t go after him. The bear behind him

p h o e n i x

might not attack you, but it’s possible Virgo guy won’t be so nice about it. Just let him know you’re there for him when he wants to talk. That, he’ll respect.

Speaking of respect, all Virgos—and this one in particular—

have an odd pseudo-relationship/love affair with it. He’ll use this as his excuse for everything. If he’s having a tryst with a married Virgo, Ex or Next

1 3 7

woman, for example, he’ll say that her husband’s a maggot anyway, he doesn’t respect him. If he cheats on you, that’s where it’ll come from. A woman’s got to meet his standards in order for him to give her an A+ in “respect” on her report card (y’know, the one he keeps handy in that sacred

The words

chest Grandpa gave him, next to his bed). This

walked right out

of my mouth.

guy will want to settle down more than the other

Virgos. Just make sure that you have a deep, dark j a m e s b r a dy

past—and you’ve now turned things partway

around. He attracts hardship like rock stars, hot women.

boyfriend potential rating: High if you play the damsel in distress. Warning, though: this guy’s luck is about as bad as Murphy’s (of Murphy’s law: What goes wrong can always go wronger). Pretty dern faithful, though. Solid. Good choice. Just make sure you don’t catch the bad luck (aimed at him). It searches him out like teenagers flocking the arcade gallery at a tacky suburban mall.

celebrity correspondents

with virgo sun, venus in cancer

Keanu Reeves (September 2, 1964) Had a string of tragedies—

accidental deaths of young people close to him: first, River Phoenix, then his estranged girlfriend.

Macaulay Culkin (August 26, 1980)

Lyndon B. Johnson (August 27, 1908)

Billy Ray Cyrus (August 25, 1961)

Chris Tucker (August 31, 1972)

Monty Hall (August 25, 1921) He’s been married to the same woman for years and has two daughters (including Joanna Gleason) and one son.

Muhammad (August 30, 570)

138

He’s Just Not in the Stars

Blair Underwood (August 25, 1964) He married actress Desiree DaCosta in 1994 and they have three children.

Maxwell (August 26, 1956)

Caligula (August 31, 12)

Virgo, Venus in Leo

I’m just like anyone. I cut and I bleed. And I embarrass easily.



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